Nell: David is actually sitting on guests now.
Me: Oh dear.
Nell: The odd kiss is one thing but this has gone too far.
Me: He isn’t aware of his size.
Nell: Obviously. He flattened poor Charlotte.
Nell: Your friend Irene is visiting tomorrow. She can’t be sat upon the minute she gets through the door.
Me: What are we going to do?
Nell: Mutley has agreed to have a word. David listens to him. And we are also going to use the fake guest.
Me: Who is that?
Nell: It is more of a What than a Who. Timothy is a creative turkey, as you know, so he has made us a person out of old sheets and straw.
Me: Like a guy.
Nell: Its gender is immaterial but we can call it Guy if you like. The fact of the matter is, when sat upon, it leaks straw and squeaks.
Me: What fun.
Nell: This is not fun it is Education. On hearing the squeak and seeing the straw we expect David to be shocked.
Me: He might be delighted.
Nell: This is exactly why the training of the puppies should be left in my paws. When David sits on you he is cuddled and called a great big darling boy.
Me: He is a great big darling boy.
Nell: Just keep out of it. The subject of squashing will be introduced at Morning Thoughts. While David is outside with Mutley, Guy will be put in place on the sofa.
Me: I hope Guy has a winning smile because Dave doesn’t just sit on anyone. Imagine if he takes against Guy. Poor Guy. Just sitting and waiting while everyone else gets sat upon.
Nell: Enough. Stop worrying about Guy. I despair of you sometimes I really do.
Me: Yes. Sorry.