Me: Harriet never stays long, does she?

Nell: No, but she always comes when we call her.

Me: Yes, she does. Bless her.

Nell: David doesn’t.

Me: No. He can be a little bit stubborn. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Henry and Horst told me Stephen Seagull tried to gatecrash the Tuesday night poker game, by the way?

Me: The one with Beauregard and the Big Cats?

Nell: Obviously.

Me: Did he succeed?

Nell: Certainly not. It’s invitation only.

Me: Do you think I might be invited to the next Tuesday night poker game with Beauregard and the Big Cats?

Nell: No. You just love saying Beauregard and the Big Cats and you don’t know how to play poker.

Me: But I’d love to learn.

Nell: It’s a serious game. You need a poker face to play like Henry and Horst.

Me: I could have a poker face.

Nell: You could not. You’re dreadful at controlling your emotions.

Me: I could wear my all-encasing hat.

Nell: Stop right now. You’re not going.

Me: Alright Bossy-Boots. No need to shout. You can’t play poker either.

Nell: I most definitely can. I used to enjoy a game with Poppy and Mutley.

Me: I bet they’re still playing up there with the other Guardians.

Nell: I think they enjoy the odd game.

Me: The Stuffed Tiger would make a great poker player. It never gives anything away.

Nell: Don’t get me started on that wretched animal.

Me: I bet it’s a regular at the poker table.

Nell: You’re probably right.

Me: I’m only joking, Nell. It’s on top of the chest of drawers and it’s stuffed.

Nell: Why did it take Nigel’s ball?

Me: Someone put it up there.

Nell: That’s exactly what it wants you to believe.

Me: I do. Sorry.

Nell: Stop sneezing.

Me: They’re saying the pollen count is low but I‘m not so sure.

Nell: Let’s hope it’s not a cold.

Me: Yes, I really don’t want one of those. Did you see all those midges dancing in the sunlight?

Nell: They’re annoying little creatures.

Me: They looked magical, like a cloud of fairies.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: I could get used to this sunny weather

Nell: Couldn’t we all?

Me: I hope it stays like this for Chris’s visit in June.

Nell: He won’t care. Visiting us is all that matters.

Me: There’s nothing like a walk with you all in the sunshine. It does the soul good.

Nell: Harriet can never stop running in and out of the water.

Me: Nigel went for a swim too. He loves the river.

Nell: How was Plymouth?

Me: Busy as always, although we only really saw the hospital.

Nell: Is all well?

Me: It will be eventually.

Nell: I’m glad we live so close to your sister.

Me: So is she.

Nell: There’s nothing like family.

Me: And good friends.

Nell: Yes, we are fortunate to have both.

Me: We are.

Nell: Talking of friends, my friend Dorothy says word on the street is Stephen Seagull is holding a poker night at his new apartment in the Stately Home.

Me: You should tell The Cat. It plays a mean game of poker.

Nell: I can’t see The Cat playing anything with a Beefy.

Me: Doesn’t Knitwear Wolf play?

Nell: Rupert enjoys the odd game with Beauregard and the Big Cats but the real players are Henry and Horst.

Me: One moment. What Big Cats?

Nell: Tigers and lions, of course.

Me: And they play poker with Henry and Horst?

Nell: Every Tuesday evening. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Why are Nigel and the Puppies watching me like that?

Nell: Yesterday you were really late posting our conversation. They’re probably afraid you’re going to dawdle again.

Me: I’m allowed to dawdle. Yesterday was Sunday. Today is Monday.

Nell: I know.

Me: Sundays are for relaxing but Mondays we need to get up and go and I have to go to Plymouth.

Nell: What if we don’t want to go anywhere?

Me: That’s fine. You can’t come with me anyway.

Nell: And for your information, Sunday was not relaxing at all.

Me: You and Knitwear Wolf loved all the attention. People were clapping you wherever you went.

Nell: I blame Princess for that. She never stops.

Me: It’s a seal thing.

Nell: Yes. At least she and Sir Roger turned the Beefy attack into an event by catching those mackerel.

Me: It was very rude of the Beefies to throw fish at everyone.

Nell: Hooligans. Herr Hoffmann wisely threw them on the barbecue.

Me: The Beefies?

Nell: No. The fish.

Me: Yes. I’m surprised anybody wanted to eat fish thrown by a seagull and caught by a seal but they did.

Nell: David will eat anything, except bananas.

Me: Maybe the villagers thought it was all part of the act?

Nell: Maybe.

Me: I suppose after you’ve seen a wolf riding into the village on a motorbike with a tiger in the sidecar nothing much would surprise you.

Nell: Possibly not. Why are you going to Plymouth?

Me: My sister Charlotte has a hospital appointment.

Nell: I don’t like hospitals.

Me: Neither do I, but I’m very glad they’re there.

Nell: True. Drive carefully, please.

Me: We always do.

Nell: And pop into Barks and Spencer for some of those lovely sandwiches. You forgot last time.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Somebody seems rather happy to see a certain handsome wolf in a fetching hat back from Canada.

Nell: Yes. It’s lovely to have Rupert home again.

Me: Isn’t it?

Nell: You’re very late posting this conversation today.

Me: It’s Sunday so I decided to have a slow start for a change.

Nell: But Sunday Songs is starting soon. Where’s your hat?

Me: I’ll be ready. Don’t worry. Let’s talk about Knitwear Wolf.

Nell: There’s nothing to talk about. He’s home and that’s all that matters.

Me: Yes. I’m just so happy to see you both together again.

Nell: I noticed.

Me: When he walked through the door and said, ‘Hello Nelly’ my heart lifted.

Nell: Calm down. You’re getting carried away again. And he was talking to me, by the way.

Me: Yes, Nelly, he was.

Nell: Anyway, for some strange reason Sunday Songs is dedicated to love.

Me: How surprising.

Nell: Stop smiling.

Me: I love a bit of romance.

Nell: I’m not sure why the Welsh Corgi Choir are dressed as flowers.

Me: They look adorable in those petal hats.

Nell: Gladys wants Rupert and I to walk to the recreation ground together surrounded by dancing llamas.

Me: At least they’re not cartwheeling.

Nell: They have red roses in their teeth.

Me: Wonderful.

Nell: I asked for a low-key celebration of Rupert’s Return.

Me: We don’t do low-key, Nell. You should know that by now.

Nell: And where did the marquee come from?

Me: Herr Hoffmann thought a Sunday lunch buffet would be just the thing.

Nell: Are we feeding the whole village?

Me: Everyone’s bringing something. It’s a pot luck sort of celebration. Stop questioning everything and go with the flow.

Nell: Well, come on then. I’m not doing this on my own.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at the face I woke up to this morning.

Nell: You spoil that animal. Cuddling him all the time.

Me: He’s my Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Now David expects cuddles from everyone.

Me: And he usually gets them, too. How about you?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Are you ready for cuddles from Knitwear Wolf? He arrives back from Canada today.

Nell: Rupert and I see no need for displays of public affection.

Me: You’re more of a secret cuddler, are you?

Nell: Kindly stop interfering.

Me: What time is he arriving?

Nell: Lunchtime. Beauregard has generously offered to collect him from the station on his motorbike.

Me: I didn’t know Beauregard had a motorbike.

Nell: It’s Rupert’s motorbike.

Me: How is Beauregard getting home?

Nell: In the sidecar.

Me: Will a tiger fit in the sidecar?

Nell: David does.

Me: Fair enough. I’m not sure the villagers are quite ready for a wolf and a tiger on a motorbike but we shall see.

Nell: They’ve got used to the llamas.

Me: People can be funny about wolves and tigers.

Nell: They know Rupert from his paper round.

Me: True.

Nell: And they’ve seen Beauregard prowling around the stately home.

Me: Yes. From afar. He’s much bigger when you get closer.

Nell: Isn’t everyone? Now, Herr Hoffmann has suggested an Italian night so I hope you like lasagne.

Me: I do.

Nell: David has requested bruschetta to start.

Me: Crispy toasted slices of ciabatta rubbed with oil and garlic and smothered in diced tomatoes and fresh basil?

Nell: I know what bruschetta is.

Me: Some people might not.

Nell: Anyway, our ciabatta will not have garlic.

Me: Because of the kissing?

Nell: Because it’s toxic to animals. There will be no kissing.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: What a beautiful walk to have just near our house. How lucky are we?

Nell: Yes, if I was allowed to actually walk it.

Me: We walked all the way down to the stream.

Nell: And then we stopped.

Me: Yes, we did. You were tired.

Nell: David and Harriet walked on with Kev.

Me: Dave and Harriet weren’t tired. And they’re a lot younger than you.

Nell: They’re going to be 8 in June.

Me: You’re 13, Nell.

Nell: I wanted to go with them.

Me: I know you did.

Nell: You stopped me.

Me: I did.

Nell: Forcibly.

Me: I had no choice.

Nell: You put me on my lead.

Me: It was the only way. You refused to listen to me.

Nell: I could have walked up that hill.

Me: You probably could have, Nell. But what about walking back?

Nell: We could have taken our time.

Me: We always do. I couldn’t risk you getting overtired.

Nell: I’m a senior Labrador. I make my own decisions.

Me: Not when it might cause you harm.

Nell: You were a bully.

Me: No. I made a decision.

Nell: I’ve been up the hill before.

Me: I know. I remember. I hadn’t put your lead on and while I was paddling in the stream you marched off.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: You were so tired later.

Nell: I still did it.

Me: Fine. If the weather is a little cooler and you are having a good day we might go up there.

Nell: Good.

Me: But if you’re tired and struggling in any way we are turning around.

Nell: Maybe.

Me: No maybes. You’re just going to have to accept that sometimes I actually know best.

Nell: Stuff and nonsense.

Me: I’m putting my foot down about this. Sorry.

Me: Going to the activity field is supposed to be about having fun together.

Nell: My thoughts exactly.

Me: It’s not about Shutting Others Out.

Nell: No password. No entry.

Me: The Semicircle of Power is not yours.

Nell: It’s open to everyone.

Me: But it isn’t. Dave kept trying to come in and you wouldn’t let him.

Nell: It’s not my fault if he can’t work it out.

Me: Nobody can work it out, Nell. You change the password all the time.

Nell: Of course I do. That’s what you have to do with passwords.

Me: Not in the activity field.

Nell: David can have as many guesses as he likes.

Me: He gets bored after a while.

Nell: Not my problem.

Me: It was designed for us all to sit together.

Nell: You sat there.

Me: I know. I’m not sure how.

Nell: You said the password. And so did Kev.

Me: What was it?

Nell: How am I supposed to remember? It’s changed several times since then.

Me: I give up.

Nell: Well, you won’t be able to come in with that attitude.

Me: You should be kinder.

Nell: Moving on, it looks like Stephen Seagull and the Beefies have moved into the village.

Me: Really?

Nell: The Beefy Bacon Bap van was seen at the Recreation Ground.

Me: Oh no. That wretched lion isn’t working there, is he?

Nell: Lionel King is not the bad animal you think he is.

Me: The sooner Knitwear Wolf comes back from Canada the better.

Nell: Rupert is due back at the weekend.

Me: Thank goodness. He won’t tolerate that lion hanging around.

Nell: Lionel is working undercover. I don’t know why you won’t believe me.

Me: He’s a baddy, Nell, and you’re blind when it comes to him. Sorry.

Me: What a lovely surprise outing we had yesterday.

Nell: It was most certainly a surprise.

Me: Kev knows how much I’ve been missing the sea.

Nell: Harriet was feeling the same way.

Me: When we were out he suddenly took a different turning to the one I expected and off we went on an adventure.

Nell: It was down a very long windy lane.

Me: Most lanes are long and windy near the sea.

Nell: And it took an awfully long time.

Me: No, it didn’t.

Nell: Harriet started squealing.

Me: She knew we were getting close to the sea.

Nell: David stuck his head out of the window.

Me: He wanted to smell the fresh sea air.

Nell: And almost before I was out of the car all the others had gone.

Me: The Puppies rushed down to the beach and went straight into the sea.

Nell: David pulled Kev in.

Me: He didn’t mind.

Nell: All we could do was watch.

Me: We had to take our time. It was fine. The main thing is we got there.

Nell: You really loved being back by the sea, didn’t you?

Me: Yes. I paddled. The water was cold but not too cold. Next time I will bring my bathing costume and go in properly.

Nell: I prefer to watch nowadays.

Me: I know.

Nell: I didn’t like the path. They left gaps between the wooden boards.

Me: I’ll take you a different way next time.

Nell: It made me very happy to see you all so happy.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: I know you wanted to rush into the sea but you stayed by my side.

Me: Of course.

Nell: I will be beside you, too, you know. No matter what. You and me. Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Have you seen David?

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s supposed to be outside counting Beefies and there’s no sign of him.

Me: I’m sure he’ll be back soon.

Nell: From where?

Me: Wherever he is.

Nell: You know where he is, don’t you?

Me: Why is he counting Beefies?

Nell: Because we’ve noticed an increase in seagulls and this isn’t a seagull sort of village.

Me: I heard seagulls when I was in London.

Nell: Stop changing the subject. Where is he?

Me: Who?

Nell: David. He’s asleep in the living room, isn’t he?

Me: Why would you say that?

Nell: He’s done this before. When he gets past ten he has to have a lie down.

Me: Counting is tiring.

Nell: He has a bowl and some biscuits. We’ve made it as easy as we can.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Every time he sees a seagull he places a biscuit in his bowl.

Me: Right.

Nell: At the end of his shift all the biscuits are counted and he can eat them.

Me: At the end of his shift?

Nell: Yes.

Me: How long is his shift?

Nell: Only a couple of hours.

Me: He can’t manage that long, Nell. He gets tired ever so easily. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: David gets tired when his tummy is full.

Me: That too.

Nell: The bowl was empty.

Me: He probably didn’t see any seagulls.

Nell: Can you hear anything?

Me: It’s just bird song. I love it.

Nell: That’s not bird song. It’s Beefy screeching and nobody loves it.

Me: I do. I grew up listening to the sound of seagulls.

Nell: This is not a seagull sort of village. Where are the biscuits and where is David?

Me: He’s asleep in the living room. Sorry.

Me: Do you know why Harriet’s keeping a lookout in the garden?

Nell: If I knew I wouldn’t say.

Me: She’s hiding by the bush so I’m guessing she’s gone undercover.

Nell: I really wouldn’t know.

Me: No sunglasses, though, or beret.

Nell: Harriet works for MI5 not the French Resistance.

Me: She keeps looking up at the sky so I’m thinking it’s to do with birds not cats.

Nell: Good grief.

Me: Somebody told me that Stephen Seagull is considering renting an apartment at The Cat’s Place.

Nell: It is not The Cat’s Place. It is a stately home where The Cat resides.

Me: Anyway, if he does rent an apartment it would throw the cat among the pigeons.

Nell: Nonsense. The Cat never has anything to do with pigeons, as you well know, and nobody is throwing it anywhere.

Me: It’s just a saying. It will cause problems.

Nell: Talking of pigeons, Walter and his wife have settled in to village life really well.

Me: Good.

Nell: And so have Henry and Horst. There’s a thriving insect community here so they are busy recruiting.

Me: Recruiting for what?

Nell: I couldn’t say.

Me: You said that before.

Nell: Did I?

Me: You know something I don’t.

Nell: Nothing new there.

Me: I don’t know why you won’t tell me.

Nell: Ignorance is bliss.

Me: No, it isn’t. I can keep a secret.

Nell: We both know that isn’t true. Who told you about Stephen Seagull?

Me: Malcolm said Susan heard it on the seagull grapevine.

Nell: Did he ask you to keep it under your hat?

Me: I’m not wearing one.

Nell: You know what I mean.

Me: I’ve only told you.

Nell: Except you haven’t.

Me: They won’t say anything.

Nell: I rest my case.

Me: Sorry.