Me: It’s absolutely wonderful to be home again.

Nell: Lower your voice, please. David is still sleeping. All this Staying Away Far Too Long and Finally Coming Home Again is completely exhausting.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He didn’t know what to do with himself when I walked through the door.

Nell: Harriet lost her voice with happiness as usual.

Me: Yes, she just squeaked and squeaked.

Nell: I remained composed.

Me: You did.

Nell: Somebody had to.

Me: We had quiet cuddles together once everything had calmed down, though, didn’t we?

Nell: We most certainly did.

Me: I’m never really Me without You, Nell.

Nell: I’m always with you. No matter where you are.

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: I do and I feel the same way. We all do. A part of us was missing when you were away and we didn’t like it.

Me: Neither did I. But now I’m back again.

Nell: Less of the loud London Voice, please. You’re in Devon now.

Me: I’m still a bit buzzy, aren’t I?

Nell: You are.

Me: It hasn’t been an easy week.

Nell: I agree.

Me: But we’ve finally sorted what needed to be sorted.

Nell: You have.

Me: There was a time when I thought we never would.

Nell: I know.

Me: Even yesterday I wasn’t sure I was really coming home until I was on the motorway and saw the signs to Devon.

Nell: You’re going to need a few days of quiet.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Letting go of your London self won’t just happen in an instant.

Me: No, it won’t.

Nell: How about a cup of Earl Grey?

Me: Could you stay and chat a little longer?

Nell: I’m not going anywhere. You and me. Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Good morning. It’s another beautiful sunrise in London.

Nell: I’m not even going to point out that it’s early.

Me: I couldn’t sleep. Seeing those photos of you all looking so sad made me sad, too.

Nell: We’ve begun to think you’re never coming home.

Me: I feel the same way.

Nell: So, are you? Coming home?

Me: I hope so. But I might not be able to leave London until the afternoon so I won’t be home until this evening.

Nell: We don’t care what time you come back, as long as it’s today.

Me: I really think today is the day.

Nell: I’m not counting my biscuits.

Me: It’s chickens.

Nell: No, it is not. We’re vegetarians now. Remember?

Me: Nonsense. Kev told me Herr Hoffmann is making cottage pie for dinner.

Nell: Seriously?

Me: Yes, with creamy mashed potatoes and lots of vegetables.

Nell: I knew it. The mince won’t be real. Mark my paws.

Me: It will. Kev went to the butchers and bought organic beef mince.

Nell: So, we’ve been forced to become Unwilling Vegetarians for weeks and weeks but the moment you’re finally coming home Kev goes to the butchers?

Me: Yes. It’s not weeks and weeks. It’s been 5 days.

Nell: 5 nights and 6 days if you count today and I’ll still believe it when I see it.

Me: Me too.

Nell: We shall be tracking you on our iBones.

Me: I thought you might.

Nell: You’d better drive carefully, I know you’re tired.

Me: I am. I really can’t agree with Samuel Johnson.

Nell: Who on earth is he?

Me: He said ‘the man who is tired of London is tired of life.’

Nell: You’re not a man.

Me: It’s a saying.

Nell: Just come home today.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Good morning from hot and sunny London.

Nell: I must say I’m getting used to these early mornings calls.

Me: Yes, look at that beautiful sunrise. I had to share it with you.

Nell: Are you coming home today?

Me: I’m afraid I’m not. I still haven’t been able to sort out everything I needed to yet. I really tried but the weekend got in the way.

Nell: I knew it.

Me: I’m definitely coming home tomorrow.

Nell: I’ll believe it when I see it.

Me: No, really. I need to get back now.

Nell: I’ve been telling you that for days.

Me: Anyway, Kev sent over some photos of you all at the activity field yesterday. It looks like you were enjoying yourselves.

Nell: They’ve added a new circle of power.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: It’s not as grand as my Semicircle of Power.

Me: Okay.

Nell: But I see what they are trying to do.

Me: Give you dogs more opportunity to have fun?

Nell: No. Undermine my authority.

Me: I’ve told you before that you shouldn’t shut others out of the semicircle.

Nell: No password. No entry.

Me: Well, now they don’t need to go to your semicircle. They have their own full circle.

Nell: It’s short and stumpy.

Me: Aren’t we all?

Nell: Very funny.

Me: It looks like you dogs had a lovely time which is the main thing. I can see Davey stretching his legs. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He and Nigel are far too boisterous for my liking.

Me: They just need to let off steam.

Nell: They’ve been letting off something. Stinky animals.

Me: Oh dear. Boys will be boys.

Nell: Quite. So, you will be home tomorrow?

Me: Yes. Definitely.

Nell: But not today?

Me: No. Not today. Sorry.

Nell: It’s extremely early.

Me: I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would send you a photo of the sunrise.

Nell: Most kind. Where are you now?

Me: Still in London.

Nell: I’m aware of that but you’re not in the same place.

Me: No, I had to move because the hotel was full. It’s the London Marathon today.

Nell: Please don’t get involved.

Me: Don’t worry. My marathon days are over.

Nell: They never began. I meant don’t get stuck in a crowd. You hate crowds.

Me: I do and I won’t.

Nell: So, where have you moved to now?

Me: Not far away. I found a little guest house with a room to spare.

Nell: That’s fortunate.

Me: Yes. Most places are booked up as you can imagine.

Nell: In trying not to. Big cities are not my thing.

Me: I’m the same, Nell. I look at the photos of Devon with you all and it feels like a magical place I visited in a dream.

Nell: Well, it isn’t a dream. It’s home and we need you.

Me: Are you going to Sunday Songs later?

Nell: Of course. But there’s no roast.

Me: Not even a nut roast?

Nell: No. Kev says we can’t have a roast without you.

Me: How sweet.

Nell: It’s not sweet at all. We’re having salad.

Me: Salad? That’s not very Sundayish.

Nell: My point exactly.. Goodness only knows what the vibe is going to be at Morning Thoughts when the others find out.

Me: Did you just say ‘the vibe’?

Nell: I’ve been watching a lot of television with David while you’ve been away.

Me: I can tell.

Nell: I’m just trying to keep myself occupied. I worry about you. Come home now, please.

Me: I’ll be back tomorrow. Hopefully. Sorry.

Nell: It’s early.

Me: Yes, I couldn’t sleep again.

Nell: Where are you?

Me: I’m still in London.

Nell: You were supposed to come home yesterday.

Me: I had to change my plans at the last minute.

Nell: David is distraught. He’s been waiting for you to arrive all this time.

Me: There was nothing I could do.

Nell: Are you coming home today?

Me: No. I’m afraid I won’t be back until Monday at the earliest.

Nell: This is completely unacceptable.

Me: I’m not too happy about it either.

Nell: You were only supposed to be away for one day.

Me: I was, but things are taking longer to sort out than expected. If it’s any consolation, I’m missing you all, too.

Nell: Never mind that. We’re still vegetarians. If this continues we may never see any meat again.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Kev’s gone Mediterranean.

Me: What?

Nell: He’s eating olives and peppers and tomatoes and small pieces of salty cheese.

Me: Feta.

Nell: Bless you.

Me: No, the cheese is called Feta.

Nell: He’s talking about cooking spaghetti without the bolognese.

Me: No wonder Dave’s worried.

Nell: Just plain tomatoes and a scattering of Basil, whoever he is.

Me: Basil is a herb.

Nell: I blame that Notorious Vegetarian James Beddall for all this.

Me: I really don’t think you should.

Nell: What is life coming to? You have abandoned us and David is facing a life without bacon.

Me: No, he isn’t. I’ll talk to Kev about it.

Nell: Well, hurry up. I’m not getting any younger you know.

Me: Tell me about it.

Nell: I just did.

Me: Never mind.

Nell: Enjoy your cooked breakfast.

Me: I’ll try.

Nell: And think of us unwilling vegetarians when you bite into that bacon.

Me: Sorry.

Nell: It’s very early.

Me: I couldn’t sleep.

Nell: You’re always like that when you go away.

Me: I am.

Nell: How’s London?

Me: Busy and buzzy as always. Fortunately my hotel is in a quiet residential street. How’s Devon?

Nell: Rather quiet at this time of the morning. Harriet has made a nest of cushions in the living room.

Me: I shouldn’t have woken you all.

Nell: I don’t mind. Sharing a bed with David is warm but restricting.

Me: You’ve got plenty of beds. Why are you sharing?

Nell: David needed reassurance.

Me: Why?

Nell: You’ve been gone for ever.

Me: I only left yesterday morning.

Nell: Time means nothing to a dog. David feels lost and abandoned.

Me: What utter nonsense.

Nell: Kev had a very unusual dinner.

Me: Tell me.

Nell: Pizza with baked beans and steamed vegetables.

Me: He used to eat like that before he met me.

Nell: He gave the Hoffmanns the evening off.

Me: That was kind of him.

Nell: I blame that Notorious Vegetarian James Beddall.

Me: What’s James got to do with it?

Nell: There was no meat.

Me: You like pizza and you like vegetables.

Nell: It’s time you came home.

Me: I should be back by this afternoon depending on the traffic.

Nell: Make sure you drive carefully.

Me: I will. Don’t worry.

Nell: And bring some meat.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous, Nell.

Nell: All this vegetarian nonsense has to stop.

Me: Did you know it’s the London Marathon this Sunday?

Nell: Stop changing the subject. Get in your car and come home.

Me: I will as soon as I can. Let me have breakfast first.

Nell: You’re going to have a full English breakfast, aren’t you? With sausages and bacon?

Me: Yes. I’m afraid I am. Sorry.

Nell: It’s very early.

Me: Yes, I know.

Nell; Why is David locked in the living room?

Me: Harriet is in there, too.

Nell: Why?

Me: I have to drive up to London today and I wanted to say a quiet goodbye to you and Kev without the Puppies trying to dash out of the door.

Nell: We need a gate.

Me: We’ll have one soon. Someone in the village is making one for us.

Nell: Will you be back today?

Me: No. It’s too far to drive there and back in a day. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Nell: Should I come with you?

Me: It’s far too tiring for you, Nell, and they don’t take dogs in the hotel.

Nell: I expect you to keep in touch.

Me: Of course.

Nell: And make sure you drive carefully.

Me: Don’t worry.

Nell: I don’t like it when you go away.

Me: I don’t like it that much either, but Kev will be here with you all.

Nell: You’re not visiting The King, are you?

Me: Definitely not.

Nell: Only the last time we spoke he said I should pop in whenever I liked and I’m sure he’d love to see you.

Me: That’s most kind but I feel he might be rather busy.

Nell: The late Queen and I used to enjoy our afternoon teas together.

Me: She was a very special person.

Nell: Yes. Anyway, should you be passing Buckingham Palace, do say hello. Even if The King isn’t available I’m sure they can offer you a cup of tea and a small scone.

Me: I’ll certainly bear that in mind.

Nell: Well, enjoy London and try not to worry about us. I know what you’re like when you go away. We will all be fine.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at Dave guarding my handbag. Bless him. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: He and Harriet like to make sure everyone is safe.

Me: I wish they would do it a little quieter. All that barking is driving me mad.

Nell: On another note. you know that Notorious Vegetarian James Beddall?

Me: James is not notorious. He’s a kind man and friend to us all who just doesn’t eat any meat.

Nell: He calls me Nelly.

Me: Only now and again.

Nell: Anyway, his friend’s daughter Ellie and her partner Callum moved to Exeter yesterday.

Me: How on earth do you know that?

Nell: I just do. Ellie has a new job at Exeter University.

Me: How exciting. Exeter is an excellent university.

Nell: Yes, it is.

Me: We should welcome them to Devon.

Nell: Yes, we should. Welcome. I wonder if they are Notorious Vegetarians, too?

Me: Please stop saying that, Nell.

Nell: If James had his way it would be nut cutlets and false bacon every day.

Me: No, it wouldn’t.

Nell: With a side order of seaweed.

Me: He enjoys lava bread. He’s Welsh. He just gently suggests now and again that we might want to try vegetarian alternatives.

Nell: You know the Beefies have started throwing seaweed at the Grockles if they don’t share their chips.

Me: That’s shocking behaviour.

Nell: I agree.

Me: Stop calling the tourists Grockles, Nell.

Nell: I’m not allowed to say anything today.

Me: You’re being a little bit critical.

Nell: What if the Beefies become Notorious Vegetarians?

Me: They are never going to give up fish. The most they will ever be is Notorious Pescatarians.

Nell: Stop saying that word.

Me: You started and it fits when it comes to the Beefies but not to James Beddall. Sorry.

Me: Did you see that?

Nell: See what?

Me: Harriet’s playing Cheeky Animal.

Nell: Are you sure?

Me: Yes. She stuck her tongue out at me and I caught her so I win.

Nell: Did you say ‘Cheeky Animal’?

Me: No. I didn’t have time. She’d already stopped and looked away.

Nell: Then she wins.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes. She usually does.

Me: But I saw her.

Nell: It’s not enough. The words must be said.

Me: I’ll know next time.

Nell: I wouldn’t bother. Harriet is unbeaten in the Cheeky Animal league.

Me: There’s a league?

Nell: Of course there’s a league. Do keep up.

Me: Can I join?

Nell: I wouldn’t advise it.

Me: I might surprise you.

Nell: I doubt it.

Me: Can you see I’m sticking my tongue out at you right now?

Nell: Yes, ‘Cheeky Animal’ I can.

Me: Only because I told you and I’m not doing it anymore so I win.

Nell: Did you hear me say ‘Cheeky Animal’?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Was your tongue out at the time?

Me: Only slightly.

Nell: I win. Now, moving on, the sun is shining so I think you should consider Gliding with Gladys at the recreation ground in the village.

Me: I’m not sure it’s my kind of thing. I think I might be a bit too old for gliding.

Nell: Too old. Have you been to the Far East?

Me: Yes.

Nell: What did you see people of all ages doing in the parks?

Me: Tai Chi.

Nell: Yes. Gladys calls it Gliding.

Me: I thought it involved cartwheels.

Nell: Only for llamas.

Me: What about wearing lycra?

Nell: You can glide in anything you like.

Me: Maybe I will give it a try.

Nell: Off you go. Gladys is waiting.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Why is Nigel in the kitchen looking guilty?

Nell: You had better ask him.

Me: Does it involve bacon?

Nell: No.

Me: Or boiled eggs?

Nell: It’s not breakfast related.

Me: He looks guilty.

Nell: As well he might.

Me: You’re going to have to tell me.

Nell: I don’t know what my friend Dorothy is going to say about this.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Oh dear, indeed.

Me: What happened?

Nell: Let’s just say Nigel caught the eye of another lady at the Easter Parade yesterday.

Me: He was looking awfully handsome.

Nell: That’s no excuse.

Me: The Cat must be ever so pleased Harriet won the price for Most Creative Bonnet.

Nell: It is delighted.

Me: Everyone seemed to love Dave. I’m fairly sure he will be elected as mayor as soon as the village decides it needs one.

Nell: Do you want to know about Nigel and his admirer, or not?

Me: I do.

Nell: It has come to my attention that Nigel was seen walking down the lane with said animal.

Me: Really?

Nell: They were also seen paddling together in the stream.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: And sharing a stolen Yorkshire pudding on the little bridge.

Me: With gravy?

Nell: Of course not.

Me: Just asking. We have plenty of leftovers, Nell. Nobody is going to miss a Yorkshire pudding.

Nell: That’s not the point. Nigel is supposed to be with Dorothy.

Me: They might not be exclusive. Things are far more relaxed nowadays.

Nell: Dorothy would never dream of sharing a Yorkshire pudding with another dog.

Me: You don’t know that. If it was offered to her nicely after a walk and a paddle she might not be able to resist?

Nell: The point is that Nigel is definitely Naughty again.

Me: Yes. Sorry.