Nell: What are you doing? Get back into bed.

Me: I’m just checking the weather.

Nell: It’s so cold the llamas have come inside for their porridge.

Me: It’s rather frosty but there’s a hint of sunshine. Sounds a bit like you.

Nell: Has Chris landed yet?

Me: No, but not long to go now.

Nell: You’ve been tracking him all night, haven’t you?

Me: Off and on. Harriet helped me.

Nell: I’m surprised she was awake after all that cold water swimming. It should have worn her out.

Me: She’s a proper merdog.

Nell: She says the sea isn’t as cold as you might think.

Me: It is. Dave dipped his paws in and went no further.

Nell: David is sensitive to the cold.

Me: He likes his creature comforts. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Has Chris landed now?

Me: No. You’re worse than me. Is that snow, or hail?

Nell: I don’t know, but I’ll be glad when Chris is safely here.

Me: So will I. It’s definitely snowing now.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: I hope the roads aren’t icy. We have to collect Chris from the station.

Nell: You won’t be driving until lunchtime and it will all have melted by then.

Me: True.

Nell: Remember Chris lives in Canada. He’s used to cold weather.

Me: We aren’t.

Nell: Herr Hoffmann’s making goulash for dinner. He says it’s nice and warming on a cold day.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: Chris must have landed by now.

Me: Honestly, Nell, you’re so impatient. You only asked me a few minutes ago.

Nell: I don’t know why you had to start this tracking thing. It’s exhausting.

Me: I never asked you to join in.

Nell: Well, I’m here now.

Me: Before you ask, Chris still hasn’t landed yet. Sorry.

Me: Look at you playing Cheeky Animal. Don’t you look adorable?

Nell: Those photos are from happier times.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: When I still had my yellow chair.

Me: It’s still there, Nell. Kev’s just borrowing it at the moment.

Nell: I miss it.

Me: It’s only in a different position. When we move house everything will be different.

Nell: Talking of moving, you had better update everyone on the latest.

Me: I’m afraid the little cottage in the middle of nowhere didn’t do very well in the survey.

Nell: There’s a leak in the roof.

Me: Yes, and now we have had to commission another bigger survey.

Nell: Which can’t take place until 9th December.

Me: Exactly. So we’re going to have to try and be patient.

Nell: Which is something you find very difficult.

Me: You’re not much better.

Nell: But fortunately Chris is arriving tomorrow.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And that should keep you busy for a week.

Me: We’re still going to take him to see the little cottage.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Because he needs to know where we’re hopefully moving to.

Nell: And you need to tell the little cottage that you still want to buy it.

Me: We do. We just have to satisfy the mortgage people that it’s not falling down.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Things are never straightforward with us, are they?

Nell: It seems not.

Me: I’ve decided there’s nothing more I can do at the moment so I am just going to enjoy some family time with Chris.

Nell: That’s a very sensible decision.

Me: I thought so.

Nell: Just one sleep to go.

Me: It’s so exciting.

Nell: Please don’t track his flight all night.

Me: I’ll try my best.

Nell: But you still will.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Here’s the thing.

Nell: You always say that.

Me: I think you’ve worked out that if you sit down and refuse to move, you’ll get a biscuit.

Nell: Pass me another slice of hot buttered toast and marmalade, please.

Me: You’re clever like that.

Nell: The homemade marmalade is particularly delightful.

Me: You’re pretending not to hear me again.

Nell: Did Frau Hoffmann make it herself?

Me: No. It was a present from the Whippets Institute.

Nell: Whippets are exceptionally skilled at jam making.

Me: Marmalade isn’t jam. It’s a fruit preserve made with citrus peel.

Nell: Aren’t you a fountain of knowledge at this time of the morning? Well, it’s excellent. Would you spread some more on my toast?

Me: I’m still trying to talk to you about the Sitting Down and Waiting for Treats.

Nell: David does enjoy a good run, doesn’t he? He and Harriet had the best of times at Dog and Dash.

Me: I know you can hear me.

Nell: I’m not sure about those close-up photos of me.

Me: You look lovely. You’re such a beautiful dog.

Nell: And you are too kind.

Me: I never get tired of looking into those eyes. Even when I know you’re ignoring me.

Nell: Have you made up the guest room for Chris?

Me: Yes, it’s all done.

Nell: Only two more sleeps to go until he arrives.

Me: I probably won’t do much sleeping on Tuesday night.

Nell: You can’t track his flight all night.

Me: I can’t help it.

Nell: You’ll be tired and teary on Wednesday.

Me: I’m going to be teary either way.

Nell: It’s completely understandable. You haven’t seen him for nearly a year.

Me: I’ve missed him so much, Nell.

Nell: Only two more sleeps to go.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Look at my Big Brave Beautiful Boy. What a handsome animal he is.

Nell: David is hogging the fire.

Me: He’s just enjoying the warmth. You do it all the time.

Nell: I have to now that my yellow chair has gone.

Me: It hasn’t gone. Kev’s back is hurting so he swapped it with his armchair to see if that helps.

Nell: I sleep in the yellow chair.

Me: We’ve put a couple of cushions on Kev’s old chair for you.

Nell: Where’s this going to end? Am I going to be given someone else’s discarded breakfast?

Me: Don’t be silly.

Nell: Or made to eat leftovers instead of a Sunday roast?

Me: Nobody’s having a roast today.

Nell: Excuse me?

Me: Herr Hoffmann’s making a simple cottage pie.

Nell: Today is Sunday. Sundays are for roasts.

Me: Not this Sunday.

Nell: Why?

Me: We’re having a roast on Thursday.

Nell: Thursday?

Me: Yes. Chris is arriving on Wednesday and he’s requested a roast.

Nell: Why aren’t we having it on Wednesday?

Me: Because he’ll be too tired and jet lagged to really appreciate it.

Nell: I’m not tired or jet lagged.

Me: I know.

Nell: I would really appreciate a roast.

Me: You’ll be fine.

Nell: Sunday Songs isn’t going to be the same.

Me: Why?

Nell: Because I always think about Sunday roast when I listen to the Welsh Corgi Choir.

Me: Think about cottage pie.

Nell: It’s not the same.

Me: You shouldn’t be thinking about food, anyway. You should have Higher Thoughts.

Nell: Everyone thinks about food. Don’t pretend your thoughts haven’t drifted towards roast beef with lashings of gravy.

Me: They might have done. Briefly.

Nell: Cottage pie on a Sunday and an old chair. What is the world coming to?

Me: Sorry.

Me: I’m a bit disgruntled today, Nell.

Nell: I know you are.

Me: It was lovely down on the beach. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and you walked well, which was wonderful, but I wish they would stop shooting pheasants.

Nell: So, do I.

Me: I really hate the sound of gunfire for whatever reason.

Nell: I don’t like it either. It disturbed my walk.

Me: Think of the poor pheasants.

Nell: Are you going to tell everyone about the house survey yesterday?

Me: I suppose I must, not that I have any idea how it went.

Nell: Go on.

Me: There we were, poised and ready to go, when the estate agents rang to say the surveyor did not want us there and preferred to carry out the survey alone.

Nell: There was nothing you could do.

Me: Nothing but wait.

Nell: Which you don’t find easy at the best of times.

Me: Waiting has become much harder as I get older.

Nell: You should be a Labrador. We are excellent at Waiting. It is what we do.

Me: I don’t think I’d make a very good Labrador.

Nell: You might be right. Now, the best thing to do when there’s nothing you can do, is to forget about it.

Me: How?

Nell: Put it out of your mind and get on with life. When there’s something to tell, you will be told.

Me: Easy for you to say.

Nell: Why worry about something you can’t change?

Me: Because it’s so important.

Nell: The surveyor was never going to discuss his report with you then.

Me: We might have had an inkling.

Nell: Forget about inklings. It’s Saturday so it’s bacon sandwiches in front of the fire with us dogs. What more do you need?

Me: You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t that sunset amazing yesterday? The colours were absolutely gorgeous.

Nell: Yes, it was lovely. Why are you up so early?

Me: The survey of the little cottage in the middle of nowhere is taking place today and Kev and I want to be there.

Nell: Why are you still here then?

Me: We don’t know what time it’s happening.

Nell: That’s ridiculous.

Me: We will only get half an hour’s notice so we have to be ready to go at once

Nell: It’ll take you at least 30 minutes to get there.

Me: Yes. It’s annoying to have such short notice. Why are you and Harriet guarding the top of the stairs?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: But you’re stopping Dave from coming upstairs.

Nell: He can come up here whenever he likes.

Me: You know he won’t if you two are there.

Nell: That’s his decision.

Me: It’s unkind, Nell.

Nell: Nonsense. David needs to be braver.

Me: You can be extremely intimidating.

Nell: You go and get him. He’ll come upstairs if you’re with him.

Me: Why don’t you just go downstairs?

Nell: I’m an elderly lady Labrador. I can’t be rushing up and down the stairs all the time.

Me: That’s not what I meant. I don’t want to come back and find Dave still trapped downstairs.

Nell: David isn’t trapped anywhere.

Me: Poor darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Harriet and I prefer sitting here. We have an excellent view of the front door and can monitor all comings and goings.

Me: I hope we can be going soon. I need to know the little cottage is not going to fall down and we can finally move in.

Nell: You’ll know soon. Try and be a little patient. You’re nearly there.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You did so well yesterday. You walked all the way down to the sea.

Nell: The sun was shining and the sand was lovely and soft under paw, so I thought I would join the others.

Me: We were all delighted you did.

Nell: It was tiring, but worth it.

Me: Maybe the change in your medication is helping?

Nell: Next time you subject me to blood tests and examinations I would prefer a prior warning.

Me: The vet just wanted to make sure everything was fine, except for your arthritis.

Nell: And it is.

Me: Yes, which is very good to know.

Nell: Now, we need to discuss the Doberman in the room.

Me: You mean elephant and do we really?

Nell: Yes. A surveyor came to our house yesterday and you greeted him in your pyjamas.

Me: I was wearing a dressing gown, and I can explain.

Nell: Please, go ahead. I’m all ears.

Me: I write in the mornings.

Nell: I’m aware of that.

Me: So there’s no rush to get dressed, unless I’m going somewhere.

Nell: Or have an appointment.

Me: He was supposed to be coming at 2pm. I had loads of time.

Nell: Well, you didn’t. He arrived much earlier.

Me: Exactly.

Nell: Fortunately, Kev was able to show him around and we dogs welcomed him.

Me: I apologised for my casual attire.

Nell: It was mortifying.

Me: It wasn’t my finest hour.

Nell: You can say that again.

Me: He wasn’t supposed to be there that early.

Nell: Walking around in slippers with bed hair.

Me: I brushed my hair. Anyway, at least we were all able to go down to the beach earlier than we thought.

Nell: As soon as you managed to put on some decent clothes.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What is going on here?

Me: I’m just enjoying kisses and cuddles with my Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: David is taking things too far again. He can’t just climb on top of you.

Me: I don’t mind at all. In fact, I love it. Most of the time.

Nell: Not when you’re writing.

Me: No. It can be a bit distracting.

Nell: He’s started doing that to everyone who visits us. It’s too much.

Me: He’s an affectionate animal.

Nell: He’s also the Mayor of Kingsbridge.

Me: Dave’s a paws-on sort of mayor.

Nell: You can say that again.

Me: Cuddles with Dave are the best. You should try it.

Nell: Personally, I much prefer my Cuddle Nell. She’s quiet, well behaved and knows her place.

Me: I absolutely love the fact that Cuddle Nells are on their way to people all over the world. One is in Los Angeles at the moment waiting to fly to Nevada.

Nell: I hope she isn’t off to Las Vegas.

Me: Who knows?

Nell: Somebody must.

Me: It’s just a saying. Canterbury Bears know.

Nell: Good.

Me: I have some good news.

Nell: Tell me.

Me: Chris has booked his flight. He’s arriving a week today and staying until the following Wednesday.

Nell: You must be so excited.

Me: I am. The last time I saw him was in January.

Nell: We shall have some proper family time.

Me: Yes, and he can say goodbye to the house.

Nell: And hello to the new one.

Me: Hopefully. The survey has to go well.

Nell: It’s this Friday, isn’t it?

Me: Yes. I know they’ll find some things wrong because it’s in need of care, but I hope they don’t find anything really wrong.

Nell: They won’t. Think positively.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What do you think about having your very own Cuddle Nell?

Nell: She’s very small.

Me: She is.

Nell: But extremely well behaved.

Me: That’s good to hear.

Nell: Unlike the Stuffed Tiger.

Me: We don’t know it’s done anything wrong,

Nell: It’s not to be trusted.

Me: And Cuddle Nell is?

Nell: Of course. She listens quietly to everything I say.

Me: Does she?

Nell: We had a lovely chat. I felt myself opening up to her.

Me: Really?

Nell: Have you noticed how she tilts her head to one side?

Me: Yes, I have.

Nell: It’s a sign she’s paying attention.

Me: So she can stay?

Nell: She can. But not in my bed.

Me: Why?

Nell: It’s too dangerous. David could squash her.

Me: Could he carry her around?

Nell: Certainly not. We don’t want that. He has a soft mouth but he’s very careless. She could end up in the garden.

Me: True.

Nell: She can share my yellow chair.

Me: That’s unusually kind of you.

Nell: But only if I’m in it. I don’t want her sitting there alone.

Me: It’s lovely to think of people owning their own Cuddle Nell, isn’t it?

Nell: Yes. As long as they look after her.

Me: They will. I’m sure of it.

Nell: Because I know she will look after them.

Me: Shall I share the link again to Canterbury Bears?

Nell: Yes. It’s coming up to Christmas and a Cuddle Nell would make the perfect present.

Me: It would. The link is https://www.canterburybears.com/products/conversations-with-nell-handmade-dog.

Nell: If you sign up to their email list you can save 10%.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I’m truly honoured Canterbury Bears have welcomed me into their family.

Me: So am I. She’s really lovely.

Nell: Are you getting emotional again?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: The puppies are waiting for someone again.

Nell: They’re not puppies. David and Harriet are seven.

Me: Do you think they’re waiting for Tony? Only, I’m not sure he’s working today. He often doesn’t do Mondays.

Nell: They’re waiting for the bin collection, if you must know.

Me: That’s not very exciting.

Nell: I beg to differ.

Me: It’s just loud and smelly.

Nell: Exactly. It’s most entertaining.

Me: I suppose it must be exciting, as they always bark.

Nell: They like to join in.

Me: It must be like watching an action movie in the cinema.

Nell: It’s not that exciting.

Me: And the bin men are the film stars.

Nell: Nonsense. You can’t say bin men, by the way. It’s refuse collectors nowadays.

Me: We used to say dustmen. ‘My old man’s a dustman. He wears a dustman’s hat.’

Nell: Why on earth are you singing that?

Me: It was a popular song back in the day. Sung by Lonnie Donegan, if I remember correctly.

Nell: Well, stop. Anybody could hear you. The llamas might start cartwheeling.

Me: Thinking about it, I probably shouldn’t say Tony the Postman. But Tony the postal worker sounds all wrong.

Nell: Tony is Tony.

Me: I’ve started calling you Nell the Labrador in some places. Or even Senior Labrador Nell.

Nell: Why?

Me: Some people don’t realise you’re a dog.

Nell: I beg your pardon? What else would I be?

Me: When they read our conversations at first they think you’re a person, especially as you usually win.

Nell: I always win.

Me: There have been times when you haven’t.

Nell: Really?

Me: Not many times, but occasionally.

Nell: I knew it.

Me: What?

Nell: A llama just cartwheeled into a bin. It’s your fault for singing that song.

Me: Sorry.