Me: When were you going to tell me?

Nell: Tell you what?

Me: About your latest admirer?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Who was the extremely fluffy, if elderly, Golden Retriever who came straight over as soon as he saw you on our walk?

Nell: That wasn’t an admirer. It was Uncle Archie.

Me: Uncle Archie?

Nell: Sally’s Uncle Archie to be exact. Former police commissioner now retired to Devon.

Me: How do you know him?

Nell: Everyone knows Archie. He’s the life and soul of the Salcombe yacht club.

Me: I don’t know him.

Nell: You don’t sail.

Me: Neither do you.

Nell: I do, occasionally.

Me: When forced to by Lionel King.

Nell: Don’t start that again.

Me: Does Lionel know Archie?

Nell: Yes. They’re not the best of friends.

Me: I can imagine. I learnt to sail in Salcombe, you know.

Nell: That was back in the 1970’s, wasn’t it?

Me: Yes. It’s a while ago now.

Nell: More than 50 years.

Me: You’re right. I’m suddenly feeling rather old.

Nell: None of us are getting any younger. Even the puppies are seven.

Me: They had a lovely day, didn’t they?

Nell: We all did.

Me: I think we should invite Uncle Archie over to tea.

Nell: We’ve certainly got enough leftovers from yesterday. Seven cakes. How ridiculous was that?

Me: Herr Hoffmann wanted to spoil them and it meant we had an excellent selection.

Nell: David sampled everything.

Me: I know and he licked the bowl when Herr Hoffmann was making them.

Nell: David always gets to the lick the bowl.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: With the emphasis on ‘big’.

Me: Uncle Archie’s going to be awfully happy to see you again so soon.

Nell: Stop that nonsense at once.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Look at the puppies when they were really puppies. How adorable were they?

Nell: Poppy was bigger than them.

Me: Not for long.

Nell: No, as Tony said ‘Dave was big when he was small.’

Me: Yes, but it’s lovely to see they’re still snuggling.

Nell: They’ve never known it any other way.

Me: I can’t believe they’re seven today. Where did the time go?

Nell: You know David thinks being seven means having seven of everything?

Me: Are we talking boiled eggs here?

Nell: Yes, and sausages and scones.

Me: That won’t do.

Nell: You’ll have to talk to the Hoffmanns. Things are completely out of paw.

Me: Why?

Nell: Let’s just say David and Harriet started the day with seven bacon sandwiches.

Me: Whole ones?

Nell: No, halved and shared, but still.

Me: I thought you said there were eggs?

Nell: The eggs are for the picnic which includes seven quiches and a selection of filled rolls.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: Not to mention a cream tea this afternoon and a barbecue this evening.

Me: Oh my goodness.

Nell: And who ordered the bouncy castle?

Me: It wasn’t me and I don’t think it’s actually advisable with all that food.

Nell: Well, it’s here, and so is the Whippets Institute Big Band.

Me: Aren’t they a little early?

Nell: As David says ‘It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing’.

Me: Did he really say that?

Nell: Do pugs fly? Where’s your hat?

Me: I didn’t know I needed one.

Nell: Hats are obligatory for the cake cutting ceremony.

Me: Are they having their birthday cake already?

Nell: It was the only time we could fit it in. Chop chop. The Welsh Corgi Choir have started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ in the field.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You love lying in the sunshine, don’t you?

Nell: Yes, the warmth of the sun is relaxing.

Me: Interestingly, you’ve almost turned into a curly coated retriever since we moved down to Devon.

Nell: I am not a curly coated retriever. I’m a pedigree Labrador

Me: I know but your hair is thick and curly.

Nell: Why this sudden interest in my hair?

Me: I was trying to photograph Dave and you kept being in the picture.

Nell: I was just sleeping.

Me: I know.

Nell: Why were you photographing David?

Me: Sally asked me to send her some photos to prove he was okay after his horrible ordeal at the vet’s.

Nell: Horrible ordeal? He had his ears cleaned.

Me: The vet found a tick in his ear, Nell.

Nell: Only a small one.

Me: Never mind the size of it. Ticks are nasty little things. Dave is on antibiotics for five days.

Nell: I know.

Me: Kev said he was a very brave boy.

Nell: I have my ears cleaned all the time.

Me: I know. I clean them. And now I’m going to have to clean Dave’s too, and check all three of you for ticks in your ears. Why are you smiling?

Nell: We’re not the only ones with ears.

Me: I think Herr and Frau Hoffmann can probably check each other’s ears.

Nell: I’m not talking about bears.

Me: I’m not checking Lionel King’s ears.

Nell: Or lions, or any kind of cat. Big, or small.

Me: I think I’ll let The Cat check its own ears.

Nell: The animals I’m thinking of are quite hard to pin down.

Me: What?

Nell: Have you ever lassoed a llama?

Me: No.

Nell: You’re going to have to learn how to now.

Me: Not happening. Sorry.

Nell: That’s a very old photo of you and Charlotte.

Me: It’s one of my favourites.

Nell: You don’t look like that now.

Me: She does.

Nell: Just because you look older doesn’t mean you look less gorgeous, you know. Look at me.

Me: That’s true. And Charlotte is definitely as lovely as ever.

Nell: Exactly. Now, come downstairs and deal with Naughty Nigel.

Me: What’s he doing here?

Nell: He’s supposed to be learning a birthday song for Charlotte, but he isn’t focusing.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: He keeps getting distracted, or falling asleep.

Me: How far has he got?

Nell: Not very far.

Me: Can I hear it?

Nell: I’m not going to be singing it.

Me: Just for now.

Nell: Fine. It’s to the tune of that ‘over the sea to Skye’ song.

Me: You mean The Skye Boat Song?

Nell: Whatever.

Me: It’s a bit slow for a birthday song.

Nell: May I continue?

Me: Please do.

Nell: ‘Happy Birthday, dear Mum,

You’re awfully fun

And round as an apple pie.’

Me: I didn’t know apple pies were fun.

Nell: They are with ice cream.

Me: Fair enough, but you might want to take out the ‘round’ part.

Nell: Could I just finish this, please?

Me: Of course.

Nell: ‘Give me a cake

And a nice piece of steak,

And I’ll sing you a song, oh aye.’

Me: Oh aye?

Nell: I didn’t write that. Nigel did.

Me: I see.

Nell: ‘My love for you goes

From my head to my toes,

And all round my lovely tummy.

You are the spark

In this Labrador’s bark

Cos you are my darling mummy.’

Me: Charlotte’s going to love it.

Nell: Let’s make sure Nigel remembers it long enough to sing it to her then.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’d like to wish all you fathers out there, in whatever shape or form, a very Happy Father’s Day.

Nell: And I would like to wish dearest Kev a particularly Happy Father’s Day.

Me: You love him very much, don’t you?

Nell: We all do.

Me: Yes, we do.

Nell: I know Marvin would like to wish the same for Chris.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And Toby for Tony.

Me: We really can’t list all the animals.

Nell: Roary made Lionel King a card.

Me: Did he?

Nell: Yes. Lionel’s been making a huge effort recently.

Me: I bet Susan didn’t make one for Stephen Seagull.

Nell: She did not. Having the head of an evil gang called the Beefies as your biological father is difficult enough.

Me: I can imagine.

Nell; Talking of the Beefies, they made one for Herr Hoffmann.

Me: Really?

Nell: Yes. It says ‘To Hoff from your darling Gulls’.

Me: It should really say ‘darlink girls’.

Nell: Don’t be silly. Now, would you like to know about yesterday?

Me: Very much.

Nell: The day started well. Even though David ate her boiled eggs and soldiers by mistake, Sally decided to forgive him.

Me: He does that when he’s nervous.

Nell: Forgive him for Shelagh, not the eggs.

Me: Oh yes. And how was Nigel?

Nell: Absolutely fine. Everyone knew he needed Special Attention after the loss of Boo, so that is what he got.

Me: Even from Dave?

Nell: David is on Cloud Fine after being forgiven. He loves everyone.

Me: I think you’ll find it’s Cloud Nine.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. There’s nothing special about a nine. Ten maybe.

Me: Never mind.

Nell: How was your sister’s birthday dinner?

Me: Lovely. I always enjoy the Cottage Hotel.

Nell: Don’t we all?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: You’ve chosen an interesting selection of photos this morning.

Me: The first one is Dave keeping an eye on his sister swimming in the river.

Nell: He always likes to know where Harriet is.

Me: He does. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: And Harriet is usually in the river, or the sea.

Me: She is. The second two photos are of you enjoying a sniffari and a walk.

Nell: I like to take my time.

Me: I know you do and you always look back to check I’m still there.

Nell: I do, and you always are.

Me: You and me, Nell. Always.

Nell: And the last two photos?

Me: When we got home, I noticed the flowers on the wall near the letterbox and thought how pretty they were and how lucky we are to live where we do.

Nell: Yes. For now. Moving on, Sally is arriving soon so the Hoffmanns thought she and David might enjoy a German breakfast.

Me: We would all enjoy that.

Nell: It’s not about us, though, is it? David needs time to explain himself.

Me: It was just a little hiccup. Shelagh wasn’t interested.

Nell: But David was, and he needs to apologise.

Me: What if he eats Sally’s breakfast by mistake? He does that when he’s nervous.

Nell: The good thing about a German breakfast is it’s extremely plentiful. Things can be eaten and not missed.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: The other good thing is that there’s always a lot left over, so we can join them once the apology is over.

Me: How will we know?

Nell: I’m expecting to hear a sigh and an ‘Oh, Davey’.

Me: She will forgive him, won’t she?

Nell: Of course. He’s David. How could anyone not forgive him?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I’m so glad Kev decided to light a fire.

Nell: This weather is ridiculous.

Me: The poor puppies are having to snuggle together for warmth and I can’t seem to be able to shift this horrid cold. I’m still coughing.

Nell: I noticed. I’m afraid you really are going to have to put on some socks.

Me: But it’s June.

Nell: And?

Me: June, July and August should be sockless months.

Nell: Well, this June definitely isn’t. I’m even considering a hat, and I’m talking beanie not bonnet.

Me: Last year we celebrated my sister Charlotte’s birthday outside on the Cottage Hotel terrace until 11pm.

Nell: Well, you won’t be doing that this year.

Me: No. We’re going to have to be inside.

Nell: Are you going to the Cottage Hotel?

Me: Yes. Tomorrow evening for dinner.

Nell: It’s my favourite place.

Me: I know it is but you can’t come with us.

Nell: Why?

Me: Lots of reasons.

Nell: Pray tell.

Me: Dogs aren’t allowed in the dining room.

Nell: I’m sure I could be accommodated.

Me: And Naughty Nigel is coming to stay.

Nell: Ah, that’s different. After the loss of Boo, Nigel must be treated with care.

Me: Yes, and he hasn’t met Frau Hoffmann yet.

Nell: I’m sure he’ll love her. She’s bound to make a huge fuss of him.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Should we invite Dorothy over?

Me: Probably not. Sally is due to arrive tomorrow to talk to Dave.

Nell: Oh yes. Comfort food is going to be required. Cottage pie with lots of vegetables and a starter of soup with Herr Hoffmann’s freshly baked rolls spread with farmhouse butter.

Me: That sounds delicious.

Nell: You’re going to be far too busy celebrating with your sister at my favourite hotel.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Honestly, every time Tony arrives it’s like a royal visit.

Nell: Nonsense.

Me: You start waiting about 10 mins before he arrives.

Nell: We like to be prepared.

Me: You all go and wait at the gate until you hear his van trundling down the lane.

Nell: So?

Me: And then Dave goes and steals a tea towel, or fetches one of his toys.

Nell: David likes to greet guests with a gift.

Me: And by the time he actually walks through the gate you’re almost hysterical with joy.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous.

Me: Even you dance around like a puppy.

Nell: A visit from Tony is one of the highlights of our day.

Me: I know it is and I think that’s wonderful.

Nell: It isn’t as if we get invited out to dinner.

Me: We hardly ever go out in the evening, Nell.

Nell: Rolling home after 11pm smelling of other dogs.

Me: We weren’t rolling and the other dogs were Shelagh and Sprout. I told you they would be there.

Nell: Talking of Shelagh, rumour has it that Sally wants a word with David.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: Does he know?

Nell: I told him at breakfast.

Me: Is he worried?

Nell: Let’s just say he’d already eaten my porridge and two boiled eggs by mistake before he could talk about it.

Me: That’s bad.

Nell: Yes. I was looking forward to my morning porridge.

Me: I mean the Sally thing. I hope she isn’t going to dump him.

Nell: Dump?

Me: I know it’s hard to believe anyone would ever consider dumping my darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy but it’s possible.

Nell: Sally and David are adults. Questions will be asked and answers given. We are not in the playground.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: It’s far too cold for June.

Nell: I know. I had to wear one of Knitwear Wolf’s soft cardigans at Book Club yesterday evening.

Me: Wasn’t it too big? Rupert’s a lot larger than you.

Nell: It wasn’t actually his. He gave it to me from his knitwear line.

Me: Of course. Silly me. He’s such a thoughtful wolf.

Nell: Frau Hoffmann would agree. She never stops singing his praises.

Me: He’s certainly charmed the socks off her.

Nell: She doesn’t wear socks. Only slippers.

Me: It’s just a saying.

Nell: He gave her a lovely woollen blanket. Socks would have been useful, but quite wrong as a welcome present.

Me: Never mind. You enjoyed your walk by the river, didn’t you?

Nell: Yes. I take my time nowadays but I get there.

Me: Everything is so wonderfully lush and green at the moment.

Nell: It is.

Me: The estate agents’ photographer is coming this afternoon to take some new photos of the house and garden, so we’re all going to have to keep out of the way.

Nell: Why? I would have thought we’d be a selling point.

Me: Not everyone likes dogs, Nell. We want the house to appeal to as many people as possible.

Nell: What about bears?

Me: Bears, too.

Nell: People love bears.

Me: Not in the house.

Nell: The llamas aren’t going to want to move.

Me: Actually, the llamas are fine to stay in the field with the sheep.

Nell: I beg your pardon? Since when were llamas and sheep acceptable and Labradors and bears not?

Me: You’d probably be fine in the field, too.

Nell: If you think I’m leaving my comfortable yellow chair to wander about a muddy field with a herd of llamas, you can think again.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Wasn’t that a lovely surprise yesterday?

Nell: Was it?

Me: Yes. Our friends from Oxfordshire Terry and Marian arriving with another dear friend Linda whom we haven’t seen in years.

Nell: True.

Me: Linda recently lost her husband Graham who was one of Kev’s best friends, so it was quite an emotional reunion.

Nell: It was.

Me; Harriet was so pleased to see them all that she started running around and around the table.

Nell: I had to shout at her to stop.

Me: Yes, you were a little shouty.

Nell: I agree it was mainly a wonderful surprise, especially seeing Linda again, but I’d like to talk about Shelagh.

Me: Shelagh?

Nell: The pretty little dog who arrived with them.

Me: Shelagh was so timid and shy when she first came to live with Terry and Marian and now look at her.

Nell: Exactly. Sitting on the garden furniture drinking champagne.

Me: What are you talking about? She sat with Marian and it wasn’t champagne.

Nell: Did you see David?

Me: He was rather taken with Shelagh, wasn’t he?

Nell: He was completely besotted. He followed her around like a puppy.

Me: She was having none of it, though, and told him to back off.

Nell: I just hope Sally doesn’t hear about this.

Me: You’re right. Sally’s not going to be best pleased.

Nell; He was behaving like a lovesick idiot.

Me: It’s just a crush. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy

Nell: Did you hear him singing to her?

Me: It was more of a disappointed whine.

Nell: Ridiculous behaviour.

Me: He wears his heart on his sleeve.

Nell: David’s the Mayor of Kingsbridge. He can’t have his head turned by a pretty face.

Me: There’s more to Shelagh than that.

Nell: It’s unacceptable.

Me: Yes. Sorry.