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Counting Mallards

Me: I think Dave might still be Tony’s Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Look at them both. You’d think it had been months since they saw each other, not days.

Nell: There’s plenty of room in Tony’s heart for both Dave and Ollie.

Me: Yes. I never get tired of seeing those two together.

Nell: They’re best friends.

Me: People say buddies down here in Devon.

Nell: They put the cream on their scones before the jam, but it doesn’t mean I have to do the same thing.

Me: No. I prefer it the Cornish way, too. Jam first, then cream.

Nell: That’s not the point. What are those llamas doing?

Me: Counting mallards.

Nell: I wish they wouldn’t.

Me: It’s important, Nell. PC Panda says mallards are going missing.

Nell: They’re counting the same ones. That mallard has flown over here at least twice.

Me: And that mallard isn’t a mallard at all. It’s a Beefy in a tank top.

Nell: Don’t be silly.

Me: Look carefully and you’ll see I’m right.

Nell: Well, that takes the biscuit.

Me: Doesn’t it? Who wears tank tops in this weather? It’s far too warm.

Nell: That’s not what I meant.

Me: Oh, you mean they are a bit too retro. The Cat would probably agree.

Nell: No. I mean who disguises themselves as a mallard?

Me: I suppose you would need to be a bird in the first place. Nobody is going to believe Dave is a mallard, even if he is wearing a tank top.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Does Dave actually own a tank top?

Nell: Good grief.

Me: And where would Dave buy one in his size? Does Knitwear Wolf offer them as part of his range?

Nell: I give up. Just count the real mallards.

Me: Sorry.

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