Me: What’s happened? Harriet looks worried.
Nell: She is. Have you seen today’s Daily Growl?
Me: No. Not yet.
Nell: Rupert brought it straight in to us while we were having breakfast. It quite put me off my boiled egg and hot buttered toast.
Me: I expect Dave helped you finish it. He’s very good about things like that.
Nell: Not today he isn’t. Not after those headlines.
Me: What headlines?
Nell: ‘Innocent seagull squashed by giant black Labrador.’
Me: Oh dear.
Nell: It gets worse. ‘Mr Stephen Seagull, pictured here in happier times, is lodging an official complaint against agony uncle David Martin for Unprovoked Squashing.’
Me: He’s not an innocent seagull. Look at that dreadful smile. Anyone can see he is a baddy.
Nell: One would hope so.
Me: And it wasn’t unprovoked.
Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy was just diffusing a difficult situation.
Nell: Yes. Well, Talking might have been better than Squashing but it is what it is.
Me: We have to retaliate.
Nell: Yes. One of the Daily Growl’s senior reporters is due any minute to record David’s side of the story.
Me: Where’s Dave now?
Nell: In hair and makeup. He needs to look his best.
Me: Who’s doing the make up then?
Nell: Gladys and The Cat. They are very experienced.
Me: They’re a bit glittery though, Nell.
Nell: They know it has to be understated. No sequins or wigs. Was that a car? The reporter isn’t due here for another hour.
Me: No. It’s PC Panda. And he looks serious. He’s holding a piece of paper. Maybe it’s a warrant for Dave’s arrest.
Nell: Would you please calm down and stop jumping to conclusions. Go and get some scones and let me deal with this.
Me: Yes. Sorry.