Me: Dave looks awfully handsome in his glasses.
Nell: They aren’t his glasses. They’re mine and I need them.
Me: Would you read me the article in Daily Growl please?
Nell: ‘Agony Uncle Dave Martin has moved from entertainment into the counselling and caring field after his successful treatment of a group of traumatised llamas.’
Me: That’s a slight exaggeration. They just wanted to choose their sweets together.
Nell: ‘Leonardo Llama said, ‘I don’t know how we would have coped without the kind and caring advice Dave gave us.’
Me: I didn’t know he was called Leonardo.
Nell: We usually call him Lenny. May I continue?
Me: Yes. Please do.
Nell: ‘I know my brothers Lorenzo and Luciano will want to join me in wishing Dave all the best in his new career.’
Me: Are the llamas Italian?
Nell: Don’t start.
Me: No, I’m only asking because of their unusual names.
Nell: Of course they’re Italian. Everyone knows that.
Me: Really? I mean I know they enjoy pizza and pasta, but don’t we all?
Nell: I despair of you sometimes I really do. They are always talking about their time as gondoliers in Venice.
Me: I thought it was just a holiday job.
Nell: Never mind. Shall I go on?
Me: Yes. I can’t wait.
Nell: ‘I’ve always been a caring sort of animal,’ Dave told us. ‘Having made a few mistakes myself in the past I feel now is the time to give others the benefit of my experience.’
Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.
Nell: He should have stopped there.
Me: Why, what else did he say?
Nell: ‘But if there’s one piece of advice I can give your readers,’ Dave continued. ‘It’s that a bacon sandwich usually helps.’
Me: Well, it does, Nell. He’s right. Sorry.