Harriet registers a complaint

Nell: Harriet has registered an official complaint.

Me: Why?

Nell: Poppy is getting too much attention.

Me: Who from?

Nell: David and Kev.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Apparently David spent hours playing Bitey Faces with Poppy yesterday and this morning Harriet had to sit by and watch Kev cuddle Poppy and call her his ‘Darling little Popsicle’. I quote.

Me: Well, she is.

Nell: Harriet says everyone knows that she is ‘Daddy’s Girl’ and his ‘Princess’.

Me: One doesn’t rule out the other.

Nell: That’s what I said. She says David used to play Bitey Faces with her for hours but now he is too exhausted and just wants to read on his lounger.

Me: Dave’s never too exhausted to play, or cuddle and I certainly wouldn’t call him a reader, although he enjoyed our book.

Nell: He liked the pictures and he loved the recipes.

Me: So what’s turned Harriet into a green-eyed monster?

Nell: She is just jealous.

Me: But why?

Nell: I think she’s having a Crisis of Confidence. It happens to us all. Even I have been known to request an extra cuddle.

Me: I’ve noticed.

Nell: Now, talking of monsters, did you hear that annoying Beefy this morning?

Me: No.

Nell: The wretched seagull has been sneezing all over the garden.

Me: It sounds like hay fever. There’s a lot of it around at the moment.

Nell: Yes. But it keeps shouting ‘Sorry’ after each sneeze and then Malcolm shouts back ‘Bless you.’

Me: That’s rather sweet if you think about it.

Nell: Don’t start.

Me: Maybe Malcolm should give it some honey and lemon. It’s probably got an awfully sore throat.

Nell: Certainly not. Beefies must never be encouraged. Everybody knows that.

Me: I know but this one might be the exception. Sorry.



Me: The puppies just outmanoeuvred me.

Nell: They will be 3 this month. You’re going to have to start calling them something else.

Me: They will always me the puppies to me.

Nell: I know they will. Anyway, what did they do?

Me: I was outside on my lounger. You know the one that Kev has made comfortable for me with a duvet and pillow?

Nell: Yes. Your luxury lounger. It looks very comfortable.

Me: And Harriet was on the lounger next to me.

Nell: What’s wrong with that?

Me: Nothing, but it’s normally Dave’s lounger.

Nell: Yes. David does like to lie on there.

Me: So Dave goes and sits on top of me.

Nell: David just likes to be close to you.

Me: He is really heavy though.

Nell: He probably doesn’t realise.

Me: Yes, he does because after a while I have to get up.

Nell: I see.

Me: And then Harriet gets on my lounger and his lounger is free.

Nell: Nice team work.

Me: You could call it that.

Nell: We were discussing team work at Morning Thoughts and how much more can be achieved together. They obviously listened.

Me: But I lost my lounger.

Nell: You soon got it back again.

Me: True.

Nell: Susan and Malcolm are an excellent team. A sensible seagull and a shy flamingo. An unusual combination but it works.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Gladys and Alejandro shouldn’t work but they do. A Pomeranian and an alpaca.

Me: Some teams are just meant to be together.

Nell: Henry and Horst. Dave and Harriet. Princess and Our Penguin.

Me: We make a good team, don’t we?

Nell: You and Me. Always.

Me: Yes.

Nell: So you won’t mind lending me your luxury lounger.

Me: Now?

Nell: Get up then.

Me: Yes. Sorry.


Stop getting in a pickle

Nell: Now, you were in quite a pickle yesterday, weren’t you? You need to rest today.

Me: I couldn’t post on my own page.

Nell: That isn’t strictly true.

Me: I was a visitor.

Nell: Sara Martin was a visitor not Conversations with Nell.

Me: I am Conversations with Nell.

Nell: Am I not involved?

Me: You know what I mean. It was very stressful.

Nell: No. David’s food delivery was stressful. It took two bulldogs and a Weimaraner to carry it in.

Me: I never knew a steak could be that big.

Nell: Or draw so much attention.

Me: We did seem to have an awful lot of onlookers.

Nell: In my experience people will travel miles for a piece of good steak.

Me: Thank goodness for social distancing. At least they all stayed in the fields.

Nell: Some of them brought picnics. I heard a family of beagles say it might be a Guinness World Record.

Me: Everybody clapped when it went on the barbecue and my darling Dave bowed. Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: David loves an audience.

Me: I was proud of him for sharing.

Nell: You can’t eat something that size on your own.

Me: Dave probably could.

Nell: Well, I’m glad he didn’t.

Me: I thought Knitwear Wolf was looking particularly handsome last night. Sort of dark and brooding. Like Heathcliff in a cardigan.

Nell: What utter nonsense. He was patrolling the area. He likes to keep us all safe. He’s not at all like Heathcliff. Heathcliff was wild.

Me: He has a wonderfully wild look about him sometimes.

Nell: You have far too much imagination for your own good. Knitwear Wolf is one of the most civilised and well mannered wolves I’ve ever met. Nobody could be kinder or gentler.

Me: Yes. Sorry.


Waiting for a delivery

Me: What are you all doing?

Nell: Waiting for a delivery.

Me: Is it the Daily Growl? I hope there isn’t an article about Princess falling down that hill yesterday? I’m not sure she wants everyone to know about it.

Nell: Yesterday’s incident is already trending on YouChewed so everyone already knows about it. Princess is delighted.

Me: So it’s not the newspapers?

Nell: No. It’s our order from the Farm Shop.

Me: Oh good. Poppy says we’re having roast beef tomorrow.

Nell: It’s today we’re interested in.

Me: Why?

Nell: David did the ordering.

Me: You have got to be joking. Who on earth thought that would be a good idea?

Nell: You did.

Me: I did?

Nell: Yes. You know that Harriet always writes the list for Poppy and phones it in.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Well, apparently you said to Poppy that your Big Brave Beautiful Boy needs to be trusted and given more responsibility.

Me: I did say that.

Nell: So Poppy decided to let him order this week’s delivery.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Let’s just say the vegetarians and pescatarians amongst us are going to go a little hungry.

Me: Has he ordered a lot of bacon then?

Nell: Yes. And sausages.

Me: Just right for a barbecue.

Nell: There’s more.

Me: There is?

Nell: Yes. Steak. But not any old steak.

Me: Oh.

Nell: David ordered a Tomahawk steak.

Me: That sounds frighteningly large.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: It was probably by mistake.

Nell: Nonsense. We heard him ask for the biggest steak they had.

Me: Don’t be cross with him.

Nell: I’m not. He was given the chance and he took it. One has to admire his audacity.

Me: Especially when you get to share a Tomahawk steak.

Nell: Sharing is caring.

Me: Yes. Sorry.


Poppy and Nell to the rescue

Me: What on earth have you, Dave and Poppy been doing?

Nell: I need a cup of Earl Grey and a scone before I can talk to anyone.

Me: Just look at the state of Poppy. She is absolutely soaking wet and so are you two.

Nell: How about drying Poppy off with a soft towel instead of bombarding me with questions?

Me: Yes, I’m getting one. Where have you all been?

Nell: In the meadows looking for Princess of course.

Me: Princess? She’s a seal. What’s she doing in the meadows?

Nell: She was filming with Our Penguin when she slipped and rolled down the slope.

Me: Where was Knitwear Wolf?

Nell: He dropped them off while he finished his paper round and delivered some paw knitted socks to an elderly whippet who is self isolating.

Me: How did you all get involved?

Nell: Fortunately Our Penguin has an iBone so he called David for help. Rupert had no signal.

Me: But how did you get there?

Nell: Alejandro took us in the cart.

Me: What?

Nell: It’s alright. Gladys was navigating.

Me: I expect you caused quite a stir.

Nell: Why?

Me: Well, it’s not every day you see an alpaca with a Pomeranian on its back pulling a cart with two Labradors and a Maltese cross.

Nell: There was more interest in the return journey, to be honest, but that’s probably because Princess kept clapping herself. I wish she wouldn’t do that.

Me: It’s a seal thing. So where was she?

Nell: Under the giant lilies near the stream. We had an awful time getting her back up the hill.

Me: I wish I’d seen that.

Nell: Our Penguin filmed it all so it will be streaming on the YouChewed channel no doubt.

Me: Of course. Sorry.


Friends again

Nell: Did you see David and Tony?

Me: Yes. So many cuddles today. My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: They only saw each other yesterday.

Me: Dave was a bit down then but all’s well now.

Nell: It was the picnic in the rain. Wet fur and soggy sandwiches. That was all that was needed.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Everyone has their off days.

Me: I’m having one of those myself to be honest.

Nell: The thing to do is to just relax and know that it will pass.

Me: Yes.

Nell: You’re all tangled up in your thoughts.

Me: I am.

Nell: So brush them away like an annoying fly and move on.

Me: Flies are annoying though, aren’t they?

Nell: Dreadfully. They have so much to say and none of it is important.

Me: To be fair, Nell, you don’t actually know that, unless you speak fly.

Nell: I don’t, but Henry does.

Me: Oh.

Nell: And he says it’s all inconsequential nonsense.

Me: Really? Only that sounds more like something you would say.

Nell: Fine. He said the flies like the sound of their own voices.

Me: That I can believe. A bit like the Beefies. Did you hear them shouting this morning?

Nell: I did. It’s because MuttDonalds have reopened.

Me: Is it?

Nell: Yes. They keep shouting ‘Fries! Fries!’

Me: Well, fries have been thin on the ground for a few months I suppose.

Nell: Thin on the ground? What are you talking about? That’s exactly what they weren’t.

Me: It’s a figure of speech. It means scarce.

Nell: Why didn’t you say so?

Me: Never mind. Who is running Mutley’s businesses by the way?

Nell: Joyce. Mutley put her in charge and she is doing a very good job.

Me: I didn’t know. Sorry.


Marvin’s story

Me: Look. It’s our darling Marvin over in Canada in his birthday bow tie.

Nell: Yes, it is.

Me: And he’s reading our book.

Nell: Yes. I sent a copy to Toronto for his birthday.

Me: What a good idea. I hope he enjoys it.

Nell: Of course he will. Have you read the reviews?

Me: People have been very kind.

Nell: Yes.

Me: I can’t believe Marvin turned one already. It only seems like yesterday that Chris and Shannon were collecting him at the border.

Nell: I’ve written him a poem. Would you like to hear it?

Me: Very much.

Nell: ‘There once was a pup and his name it was Marvin.

He was found by the roadside shivering and starving.

Things didn’t look good and the pup was in danger

But everything changed with the help of a stranger.

Marvin was frightened.

He felt all alone.

He didn’t have a family.

He didn’t have a home.’

Me: This is heartbreaking.

Nell: It won’t be in a minute.

Me: Ok.

Nell: ‘Chris and Shannon love dogs

And wanted to adopt.

When they saw Marvin’s photo

Their searching just stopped.

They knew they had to rescue

That dear little boy,

And give him a life full of love,

Full of joy.

And that’s exactly what happened

Marvin’s life turned around.

They took him back to Toronto

Where he lives safe and sound.

So rescue dogs don’t give up,

Marvin’s message to you

Is that sometimes there is a happy ever after

And dreams really do come true.

And to all you dog lovers

I’d just like to say

If you can rescue a dog

Then do it today.’

Me: Mutley would have loved that.

Nell: I read it to him first. He is always listening you know.

Me: Yes. Sorry.


Dave isn’t himself

Me: How is Dave today?

Nell: A lot better. Thank goodness.

Me: I don’t know what was wrong yesterday. He didn’t even want to talk to Tony.

Nell: I know.

Me: He just lay in the shade with Harriet.

Nell: Yes,

Me: And he didn’t have thirds for dinner, only seconds.

Nell: I noticed.

Me: Do you think he’s missing Sally?

Nell: No. He is used to a long distance relationship.

Me: Maybe he ate too many Brussel sprouts. He’s done that before.

Nell: We all remember, thank you very much.

Me: Well, it must be the heat then.

Nell: To be honest I think he’s missing the sea.

Me: Yes. So am I.

Nell: Both you and David grew up by the sea. Not at the same time, obviously. You’re an ageing grandmother and he’s in his prime.

Me: You make me sound like a little old lady.

Nell: Which part of that bothers you?

Me: I don’t feel old yet. Well, I do sometimes, but you know what I mean.

Nell: Anyway, he’s used to running along the beach.

Me: Yes, casting caution to the wind as he surfs the waves.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: But we can’t go down there, Nell. It’s far too crowded.

Nell: I know. I explained that to everyone at Morning Thoughts.

Me: My poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: But all is well. Rain is forecast for tomorrow so we’re going to have an English picnic in the garden.

Me: We are?

Nell: Yes. We’re going to eat our picnic in the rain. Knitwear Wolf is even going to bring some sand back so we can get it in our sandwiches.

Me: Perfect. Soggy sandy sandwiches. English summer on a plate.

Nell: There won’t be plates.

Me: Of course not. Sorry.


Monday ramblings

Me: The puppies are panting again.

Nell: Of course they are. They need to regulate their temperature.

Me: Ah yes. We sweat. You pant.

Nell: Ladies don’t sweat. They perspire.

Me: You sound like my grandmother.

Nell: A wise lady no doubt.

Me: The llamas keep humming. Do you think they are nervous about something?

Nell: Why?

Me: I often hum when I’m nervous.

Nell: You hum when you’re happy and also when you’re concentrating.

Me: Let’s hope the llamas are happy then.

Nell: I wouldn’t worry about it. Everybody knows llamas hum.

Me: Actually Nell, we didn’t know that until someone told us yesterday.

Nell: There you are then.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Now you know they hum you can hear it. They’ve always been humming but until you knew you never noticed.

Me: You might have a point there. It’s like ants. Once I’ve seen one I see them everywhere.

Nell: That’s because they are everywhere. Ants march in armies. If you want to know about them just ask Henry and Horst.

Me: Do woodlice eat ants?

Nell: Certainly not. They are vegetarians.

Me: Apparently ants are quite tasty on a salad, or honey buttered.

Nell: Honey buttered ants? The only thing I want honey buttered is a slice of toast, or possibly a crumpet.

Me: I agree. Can you believe it’s June already? The puppies will be 3 this month and Poppy will be 7. Where does time go?

Nell: I don’t know, but we need to make the most of it. Have you done your morning exercises yet?

Me: No. I missed Glide with Gladys because I was writing.

Nell: Well, that simply won’t do. You have to maintain your fitness. What does Gladys always say?

Me: ‘You mustn’t let the Glide slide.’ Sorry.