Me: I love this photo of you and Alice.

Nell: Yes. We love each other very much.

Me: You certainly do.

Nell: Alice and Jonathan were of great help during tea yesterday. Jonathan kept everyone amused while Alice helped Poppy make a fresh batch of sandwiches.

Me: I don’t think Dave meant to eat them. They fell off the plate.

Nell: Yes and Pointers can fly.

Me: Don’t you mean pigs?

Nell: I do not. I must admit I was a little taken aback when Humphrey walked into the room. I wasn’t expecting a heron.

Me: Nobody was to be honest. Susan is a seagull.

Nell: Quite. He and Malcolm got on famously, however, which is very gratifying.

Me: I think it’s the similarity. A heron is much closer to a flamingo than a seagull and they both wear glasses.

Nell: Will you listen to yourself? I don’t think I’ve heard such nonsense in quite some time.

Me: I know what I mean.

Nell: They share a love of good food, books, quiet talks and…

Me: Susan?

Nell: Yes. That’s true. Humphrey is her stepfather, of course, apparently her real father is never discussed.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: I never knew mine. My mother Fleur brought us up alone.

Me: You came to live with us when you were 3 months, Nell.

Nell: Yes. Fortunately Mutley and dear departed Monty were there to guide me. Mutley is the father I never had.

Me: I suppose he is. I like to think Kev and I played a part in your upbringing too.

Nell: Yes. I had to take the reins from a very early age.

Me: That wasn’t what I meant.

Nell: You know the reason why I am so very wise and capable, don’t you?

Me: My inaptitude?

Nell: That too, but mainly your love. Susan is a sweet seagull because she has obviously been loved greatly and when I met Humphrey and saw how he dotes on her it reminded me of how you and Kev are with us.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: Love lets you fly. Even if you are a Labrador.

Me: Or a Pointer?

Nell: Enough now.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Mutley enjoyed his walk by the sea.

Nell: Yes. Jonathan kept an eye on him. He is a caring little boy. They have a close bond.

Me: Yes. It is lovely to see.

Nell: I think I may have been a little grumpy yesterday.

Me: Everyone has their days.

Nell: If I see Lily again I shall apologise and suggest she plays with the puppies.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: Now, Malcolm has invited little Susan Seagull over this afternoon and is fussing about the entertainment.

Me: Why?

Nell: They are both very shy so sometimes there are pauses.

Me: Should David sing perhaps?

Nell: No, and I don’t want him tap dancing either.

Me: Harriet is always easy to talk to?

Nell: I’m thinking board games are the answer. You can play and chat at the same time.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: The Cat has made him a sequinned bow tie so he will look smart.

Me: And shiny.

Nell: They will take tea in the living room with small sandwiches and cakes. David will serve but Harriet will pour the tea after last week’s fiasco.

Me: Dave was distracted so he kept pouring.

Nell: That visiting corgi had tea all over its shoes. It had to go home in Harriet’s slippers.

Me: Apparently Gladys walked past the window on stilts.

Nell: Yes. She’s started doing that. So annoying.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Can you make sure you are presentable too, please?

Me: Why?

Nell: Susan’s father is dropping her off and would like to meet the family. I think he is a little over protective.

Me: What time are they arriving?

Nell: 3pm.

Me: I’ll be suited and booted by 2:45pm.

Nell: No boots in the house, please. We have standards.

Me: Of course. Sorry.

Me: It was lovely to see you making a new friend on the beach.

Nell: That is wrong on so many levels. It’s not my first day at kindergarten, you know. I’m a mature Labrador with plenty of friends.

Me: But I saw you give that dear little dog a lick.

Nell: No, you saw that dear little dog invade my personal space until I asked it to stop.

Me: Oh, I thought it was ever so sweet. It was called Lily.

Nell: Yes. I know as it kept following me around shouting “Play with Lily.”

Me: Oh.

Nell: One of my pet hates, apart from the above mentioned invasion of personal space, is animals and people who talk about themselves in the third person.

Me: I know what you mean.

Nell: “Jack is on the ball today.” “Edward would like another biscuit.” Ridiculous.

Me: Yes. But it was just trying to be friendly.

Nell: “One of Hilary’s strengths is her perseverance.” Good grief. Just say “I am good at persevering.” What’s so difficult about that?

Me: Gosh, you are out of sorts today. Shall I bring you a cup of Earl Grey?

Nell: Yes, please, and some lightly buttered toast.

Me: I’m presuming you would rather David didn’t sing?

Nell: Correct.

Me: And a contemporary dance is out of the question?

Nell: Just get the tea.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Have you seen Mutley?

Nell: He’s playing cards with Jonathan. Why?

Me: Just checking.

Nell: We had an interesting visitor this morning, by the way.

Me: Who?

Nell: There was a knock at the door and when David opened it he found a small seagull in a grey bonnet and cloak carrying a basket in its beak.

Me: How strange.

Nell: Yes. It was very shy and rather wet.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: David said it didn’t have the look of a Beefy but as you never know and they are masters of disguise he called Malcolm and Timothy to get their advice.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: They decided it better come in as it was very cold and its pamphlets were getting wet.

Me: Very wise.

Nell: Anyway, it turns out that the small seagull is called Susan and is collecting for charity.

Me: Which one?

Nell: The Small Society for the Protection of Birds.

Me: I thought it was the Royal Society.

Nell: No. This one is focussing on misunderstandings.

Me: I’m not sure we need to get involved in arguments between birds.

Nell: No. Misunderstandings about birds. Not all cuckoos are imposters, not all parrots answer to Polly, not all swans are arrogant.

Me: Graham Swan proved that by saving Gladys.

Nell: Yes, and not all seagulls are Beefies. Susan’s family have been dreadfully misunderstood. Her father is scared to go fishing for fear of attack.

Me: How awful.

Nell: After a few of Malcolm’s macarons and a cup of Earl Grey, Susan is beginning to relax, however, and is staying for lunch. We’ve put her basket next to the fire as there is nothing worse than a soggy pamphlet.

Me: I agree. It sounds like Malcolm might not need Linda.

Nell: Stop jumping to conclusions. Susan is a seagull in distress and Malcolm is a caring flamingo. Let’s just stick to the facts.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What are the puppies doing?

Nell: Playing statues. Harriet has got the dinosaur look just right.

Me: Dinosaur?

Nell: Notice the long necked dinosaur behind her? Same pose.

Me: Very clever.

Nell: Yes. She is the reigning champion.

Me: I’ll have to try it.

Nell: Please don’t.

Me: Did the committee reach a decision on the size of portions?

Nell: Kev suggested lean venison snacks as a top up for David when he is being Marvellous.

Me: Good idea.

Nell: Yes. It encourages good behaviour and is nutritional. Weigh-ins are now compulsory for those on the list.

Me: Oh no.

Nell: Yours can be done in private.

Me: What a relief. Wasn’t Kitten supposed to be visiting Malcolm by the way?

Nell: She cancelled. Something to do with an emergency manicure. I found him weeping into his cornflakes this morning.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: The Cat suggested Linda and I’m beginning to think it might be right.

Me: Who is Linda?

Nell: You mean what is Linda? Everyone uses it. You swipe to the left or right. Gladys is on it all the time and Mutley is considering it.

Me: You mean Tinder.

Nell: I do not. What kind of a name is that?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: David has registered a complaint on his feedback form.

Me: What feedback form?

Nell: We all have them. They are submitted once a month.

Me: I’ve never seen one.

Nell: Kev does yours. It works best that way. We need concise feedback not ramblings.

Me: That’s not fair. I don’t ramble.

Nell: Anyway, David feels strongly that portion sizes have been reduced.

Me: Is that why he has been carrying his bowl around?

Nell: Yes. His Oliver Twist act. Only now he scrapes at it with his paw. So annoying.

Me: It is.

Nell: I’ve told him that the committee will review his complaint and get back to him.

Me: What committee?

Nell: Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you are living in the real world. How do you think everything here runs so smoothly?

Me: Who is on the committee?

Nell: Myself, Mutley and Poppy with guest member Jonathan representing visitors. Oh, and Kev of course.

Me: Kev? Why not me?

Nell: You are not a committee person. We need decision makers.

Me: May I point out that Mutley is deaf?

Nell: All feedback is submitted in writing. Do keep up. Now, if you could stop criticising our members I would like to go to my meeting. The others are waiting and we have a complaint to discuss.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: The house smells of Christmas.

Nell: Yes. Poppy is cooking roast turkey as it’s Chris’s favourite.

Me: What about Timothy?

Nell: He’s gone to visit his cousin on Dartmoor. Lots of fresh air and hiking.

Me: That’s a relief. We wouldn’t want to upset him.

Nell: No. Now, in Morning Thoughts today we discussed goodbyes as Chris, Shannon and Andre leave this afternoon.

Me: Yes.

Nell: We decided they are actually “See You Again Soons”. You will see Chris again most probably in June when your new granddaughter arrives.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Poppy will see Timothy again when he gets back from Dartmoor.

Me: Yes.

Nell: And Malcolm will see Kitten when she comes to tea tomorrow.

Me: Goodness. I bet he’s excited.

Nell: Ridiculously so. That flamingo is beak over webbed foot. In fact Mutley is thinking of Taking Him to One Side.

Me: Why?

Nell: He feels Malcolm needs a little guidance when it comes to matters of the heart.

Me: He is probably right.

Nell: Yes. I remember Taking Poppy to One Side when she met John and then Harriet when she met Jim.

Me: What about when Dave met Sally?

Nell: That was an excellent film. I laughed so much. The scene in the diner. “I’ll have what she’s having.” Hilarious.

Me: You mean “When Harry met Sally”.

Nell: No, I don’t. Unless it’s about Border terriers. Anyway, Harry is married to Meghan and Sally is in love with David. You know that. Now come and help Poppy with peeling the vegetables. You need to keep busy.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Where is Harriet?

Nell: Jonathan came up with some excellent ideas at Morning Thoughts so they are busy putting them into a useful form.

Me: What were they?

Nell: “Singing always helps, except when it really doesn’t.” David liked that one. Fortunately Shannon loved the song yesterday, by the way, and was delighted with Gladys’s contemporary dance, if a little surprised when it started.

Me: She probably wasn’t expecting her to jump out of your handbag.

Nell: Maybe not.

Me: Did Jonathan have any other ideas?

Nell: “Tell is better than Show, if you need to work through important feelings.” Malcom agreed and proceeded to over-tell in my opinion.

Me: Is he still upset about Kitten Kardashandrun?

Nell: He’s only gone and invited her over to try his macarons. Ridiculous idea.

Me: They are good though, Nell.

Nell: That’s not the point. She is all fluff and no consequence.

Me: Well, I think you are being harsh. We should give her a chance.

Nell: She’s a distant cousin of The Cat’s, you know. Says it all.

Me: Any more Jonathan ideas?

Nell: “Always ask Mutley first.” Harriet’s favourite.

Me: But Mutley is deaf.

Nell: Yes. But it’s all about the talking it through and working out what he would say.

Me: I suppose it is.

Nell: The final one was “Everything is better at the beach.” Very true and exactly why we are going there for lunch and sandcastles.

Me: I am having a lovely weekend, Nell. My idea is “Everything is better with Family.”

Nell: Yes. That’s why we are all here. Do keep up.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: How was the beach?

Nell: Delightful. We had it to ourselves.

Me: I’m not surprised at this time of the morning.

Nell: A run along a frosty beach followed by a brisk swim is the perfect start to the day.

Me: I prefer a cup of tea in front of the fire myself.

Nell: The Cat would agree, it is rarely out of its silk pyjamas until midday. Lazy creature. As I always say: “A cold nose and sandy toes is the only way to face the day.”

Me: I know but I’m not a Labrador.

Nell: So, we have another busy day ahead. It’s the first time Shannon has visited so we thought we would welcome her with a song.

Me: That’s not going to be strange for her at all.

Nell: Less sarcasm, please. I wasn’t sure what Canadians like, so I called Michael Bouvier. He said you can’t go wrong with “Feeling Good” and he should know.

Me: Are you sure you aren’t mixing him up with Michael Bublé?

Nell: Not unless he is a Belgian Farm Dog too.

Me: Do you need me to do anything?

Nell: Only collect Chris and Shannon from the station.

Me: So are we ready for my birthday weekend?

Nell: Apart from Malcolm. I found him crying into his macarons. Unrequited love.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: I told him that flamingos and cats simply don’t mix but he’s smitten.

Me: Do I know her?

Nell: Kitten Kardashandrun. Dreadful family. All fur and no fundament.

Me: They sound familiar.

Nell: Did David just walk past wearing a Russian Cossack hat, a long coat and boots?

Me: Yes, although I think the hat might be Gladys. Sorry.