Me: It’s Faye’s birthday today.

Nell: I know.

Me: You aren’t waiting for her, are you? She won’t be visiting us from Germany until July.

Nell: I’m aware of that. I’ve written a poem and was just running it past David.

Me: Could you run it past all of us?

Nell: Would you like to hear it now?

Me: Very much.

Nell: My pleasure. I have included Jonathan Sky as big brothers need to be mentioned too at times like these.

Me: Yes, they do.

Nell: The carrot was David’s idea.

Me: Okay.

Nell: ‘Jonathan Sky is FaceTiming with Granny,

‘Granny,’ he says, says he,

‘My little sister Faye has a birthday today

So I need you to celebrate with me.’

‘Shall I fetch Grandpa?’ Granny asks Jonathan,

‘And Nell and the others too?

And a cake and balloons

And some birthday type tunes

And a carrot for David to chew?’

‘How old is Fayely today by the way?’

Asks Grandpa from his favourite chair.

‘I’ve a feeling she’s 3 but it might just be me.

Is that ice cream in Fayely’s long hair?’

‘I really don’t know’ Jonathan said,

‘Now it’s time for a birthday song.

And if it’s ice cream,

And I’m not saying it is,

On your birthday you can do no wrong.’

Everyone nodded and put on their hats

And sang to the sky above,

‘Happy Birthday darling Faye

You are 3 years old today

And surrounded by happiness

And love.’

Me: That’s perfect, Nell, thank you. I’m sure the children will love it.

Nell: It’s not long before you see them again.

Me: 45 days to be exact.

Nell: Not that you’re counting or updating it on big numbers on the whiteboard.

Me: Am I being silly?

Nell: No, you’re being Granny.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

‘

Me: It was glorious down on the beach, wasn’t it?

Nell: Yes, I enjoyed myself immensely.

Me: You walked so much better after your monthly injection.

Nell: It really helps.

Me: And you were sensible and stopped now and again to gather your strength.

Nell: And admire the view.

Me: We’re very lucky to live where we do.

Nell: David was in good spirits.

Me: His little face when The Cat told him he was going to be Jubilee King.

Nell: I wouldn’t call it little, but yes, David was pleased.

Me: Is there going to be a Jubilee Queen?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Are you sure The Queen will be happy with that?

Nell: Absolutely. The last time we spoke I asked her.

Me: You talked to The Queen?

Nell: We zoomed actually, if you must know.

Me: How will it be decided?

Nell: The public will need to vote.

Me: Will they really?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Do you think I might have a chance of being chosen as Jubilee Queen?

Nell: Unlikely, but possible.

Me: I know who’s getting my vote.

Nell: Pray tell.

Me: I can’t do that, Nell. All votes have to be anonymous.

Nell: Why? You know The Cat and I voted for David as Jubilee King.

Me: You were the only ones.

Nell: Nevertheless.

Me: I’m not telling you.

Nell: You’re going to choose Harriet, aren’t you? Or Sally?

Me: You don’t know that. I might vote for Dorothy.

Nell: You can’t vote for my friend Dorothy. You don’t even know her.

Me: I know she’s one of the Salcombe Setters.

Nell: As long as it’s not Princess. I can’t take all that clapping.

Me: It’s a seal thing.

Nell: Decisions are always best made after extensive discussion.

Me: I’m not telling you, Nell. Sorry.

Me: I don’t think Dave’s taking being dropped from Poppy’s team very well.

Nell: He shouldn’t have eaten the Platinum Jubilee Pudding then, should he?

Me: He’s not really interacting with anyone and he’s awfully low.

Nell: Don’t worry. He won’t be able to keep that up for much longer.

Me: I hope not. Cuddles with my Big Brave Beautiful Boy are what makes the world go round.

Nell: The Cat is doing a costume fitting this afternoon which is bound to lift his spirits.

Me: Are you sure?

Nell: Absolutely. The only thing David likes more than a top hat is a crown and The Cat has found him a lovely one.

Me: A crown?

Nell: Yes. David has been chosen by the public to be Jubilee King.

Me: The public?

Nell: Yes.

Me: When did that happen?

Nell: Recently.

Me: Was there a public vote?

Nell: Of course.

Me: I didn’t hear about it.

Nell: You should try listening harder.

Me: Hang on a minute. There’s something fishy going on here.

Nell: Don’t bring fish into this, please. Isn’t it enough that poor Malcolm was pelted with a mackerel this morning?

Me: By a Beefy?

Nell: Yes, in a Kiss Me Quick hat, would you believe?

Me: I would actually. Going back to Dave and the public vote.

Nell: Must we?

Me: I think the public is you.

Nell: I voted.

Me: I mean only you.

Nell: Don’t be silly. The Cat voted too.

Me: You can’t call that a public vote, Nell.

Nell: Yes, I can. The Cat and I are simply representing what the public would have voted.

Me: You don’t know that.

Nell: Would you have voted for David as Jubilee King?

Me: Of course.

Nell: Well then. I rest my case.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: You know when we were in the Activity Field yesterday?

Nell: Yes, of course.

Me: And we said it was time to go home?

Nell: Yes.

Me: And you didn’t join us?

Nell: Not immediately. I was busy.

Me: We could see you hiding behind the tree stumps.

Nell: I wasn’t hiding.

Me: Dave looked for you everywhere.

Nell: Did he?

Me: You know he did.

Nell: David likes to run. It’s good for him.

Me: Why didn’t you come?

Nell: I wasn’t ready.

Me: It’s your arthritis, isn’t it?

Nell: It might be.

Me: We’re going to have to learn to pace ourselves.

Nell: Perhaps.

Me: Take things a little more gently.

Nell: Maybe.

Me: You never have to hide, Nell. If you’re tired just let me know.

Nell: I like hiding. Everyone running around searching for me.

Me: Kev and I knew where you were.

Nell: I know. You always do.

Me: Getting older isn’t easy.

Nell: It’s the way of the world. There’s nothing we can do to stop it.

Me: I wish we could.

Nell: Now, stop dwelling on things we can’t change and go and fetch a pot of Earl Grey and some shortbread.

Me: We’re not supposed to be eating shortbread.

Nell: Sometimes doing what we’re not supposed to do is exactly what’s needed.

Me: If you say so.

Nell: I can’t face another Jubilee Planning Meeting without something sweet.

Me: Who’s coming?

Nell: The Cat is chairing the meeting and Harriet will be taking notes. We’re talking food today so Poppy and her team will be presenting their menu ideas.

Me: Without the Platinum Jubilee Pudding.

Nell: Yes. David is no longer on the team.

Me: But he’s such a keen eater, Nell.

Nell: And therein lies the problem.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I may have got this wrong.

Nell: Probably.

Me: But I feel that Dave might have eaten something by mistake.

Nell: Is this just a feeling, or do you have evidence?

Me: Dave has made himself very small in the yellow chair and is trying to hide behind a little cushion.

Nell: That’s never going to work.

Me: No. He should have chosen a larger one.

Nell: And a different coloured chair. You don’t hide in a yellow chair. Especially if you’re a giant black Labrador.

Me: True.

Nell: Do you know who David is hiding from?

Me: I think I do.

Nell: Is it me?

Me: Is it you?

Nell: You tell me.

Me: I don’t think it is and I wouldn’t tell you if it was.

Nell: Why are you then?

Me: Because I think it’s Poppy.

Nell: Oh dear.

Me: Exactly.

Nell: Why do you think it’s Poppy?

Me: Because she’s lying on the sofa watching Dave with her Fiercest Face.

Nell: The one with the Killer Eyes and the Slight Smile?

Me: Yes.

Nell: That is worrying.

Me: Dave looks extremely worried.

Nell: David should be extremely worried.

Me: What can we do?

Nell: We’re going to have to intervene.

Me: But she’s probably got her cutlass.

Nell: Almost certainly.

Me: We could be sliced in two.

Nell: Poppy would never harm any of us.

Me: Not even Dave?

Nell: Of course not. She’s just annoyed and is teaching him a lesson.

Me: Do you think he might have eaten the Platinum Jubilee Pudding that was in the refrigerator and isn’t anymore?

Nell: Is there an empty bowl?

Me: There’s one with a bit of jelly in the bottom but otherwise it’s basically licked clean.

Nell: David is in so much trouble.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I wonder what Harriet is thinking about?

Nell: The sea.

Me: Are you sure?

Nell: It’s always the sea with Harriet.

Me: It might be Jim the Farm Dog.

Nell: I doubt it.

Me: She’s awfully fond of him.

Nell: Trust me. It’s the sea.

Me: You’re probably right.

Nell: Now, I’m afraid we need to give David some difficult news.

Me: Have we run out of bacon?

Nell: No. Tony is on holiday all this week so he won’t be visiting us.

Me: Oh dear. Dave isn’t going to like that. Couldn’t we just not mention it and hope he doesn’t notice?

Nell: Not notice? David lives for visits from Tony. We need to break it to him gently and remind him Tony will be back next week.

Me: Tony’s visits for Dave are like Harriet’s visits to the sea.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Something to long for.

Nell: Moving on, I have something important to discuss with you.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: It concerns The Platinum Jubilee Pudding.

Me: How exciting.

Nell: It’s a trifle.

Me: I love a good trifle.

Nell: You aren’t going to like this one.

Me: Why?

Nell: It’s made with oranges and mandarins.

Me: I’m allergic to oranges.

Nell: Yes, I know but this is the pudding that’s been chosen for The Queen.

Me: The Queen can have it. I’ll have mine without oranges.

Nell: Poppy said you would say that. The thing is, we would all like to try it.

Me: Oh, I see. Well, that’s understandable. I can just watch you all with an empty bowl.

Nell: How about a banana split instead?

Me: I love a banana split. It’s my favourite.

Nell: I was never going to leave you with an empty bowl you know.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It’s very quiet in here this morning.

Nell: Keep your voice down, please. We are having a Sensitive Sunday.

Me: Is Dave doing some kind of interpretive dance?

Nell: No. He is Getting In Touch With His Inner Self.

Me: He might just be asleep.

Nell: Whatever works for him.

Me: Can I ask why you’re doing this?

Nell: Poppy may be slightly out of control so we’re trying to create an atmosphere of calm and sensitivity around her to encourage her to relax.

Me: Well, there’s not a great deal of sensitivity going on in the kitchen.

Nell: I know. We’re hoping she’ll join us in a minute for some Quiet Time.

Me: I wouldn’t hold your breath. She was making bread when I saw her and there was a lot of vigorous kneading.

Nell: Maybe Sunday Songs will help. The Welsh Corgi Choir are singing lullabies.

Me: In the morning?

Nell: And the llamas are going to roll down the field.

Me: Why?

Nell: Why not?

Me: Watching a llama roll down a field isn’t exactly the most interesting thing I can think of.

Nell: It’s not meant to be.

Me: Unless they bump into each other which would be hilarious.

Nell: They are going to roll slowly and sensitively.

Me: This has disaster written all over it. I can’t wait.

Nell: Why don’t you just go back upstairs and carry on with your writing.

Me: Can’t I do it down here?

Nell: Only if you do it quietly and stop asking questions.

Me: I hope Sensitive Sunday doesn’t mean we’re not having a roast.

Nell: Of course we are having a roast. You can’t be Sensitive on an empty stomach.

Me: Poppy might be too relaxed to cook.

Nell: And pugs might fly.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: All in all it was a lovely walk.

Nell: The beginning was. I became a little tired towards the end.

Me: You and I just pace ourselves. The others can wait.

Nell: Except some of them don’t.

Me: No. We should probably address the elephant in the room.

Nell: I certainly hope not. I’m too tired for elephants.

Me: I’m talking about Poppy and her escape.

Nell: I had no idea she had concealed the cutlass in her harness.

Me: Or that she could wriggle out of it so quickly.

Nell: One minute she was there.

Me: And the next Kev was left with a Poppyless lead.

Nell: And an empty harness dangling on the end of it.

Me: We should start calling her Poudini.

Nell: Please don’t. I blame the young collie.

Me: It was just having fun.

Nell: It ran through the middle of our pack.

Me: It was a mistake.

Nell: If it had been a mature animal it would never have done that.

Me: Really?

Nell: No. Everyone knows you must never run through a pack of dogs. It is reckless and foolish.

Me: Poppy overreacted massively. She chased it all over the beach.

Nell: With a cutlass in her mouth.

Me: One minute they were on the rocks, the next they were on the beach.

Nell: Dangerously close to the No Dogs Allowed notice.

Me: Yes, I saw that.

Nell: I’m afraid there is no stopping Poppy when she is provoked.

Me: I have to say, Nell, it looked like they were both having enormous fun.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous.

Me: They were quite a match for each other with their speed and windswept hair. It was exciting to watch.

Nell: That is not the point. It never should have happened.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Well, that was a surprise.

Nell: What was?

Me: You and Harriet running to the gate to greet Tony before Dave.

Nell: David needs to stay alert if he’s going to keep up with us girls.

Me: Dave got his cuddles later.

Nell: He did.

Me: He even offered Tony his Neon Green Chew.

Nell: David’s not really offering it, you know. He would never let it go. Harriet tried to take it earlier but he wasn’t having any of it.

Me: Harriet is surprisingly strong, isn’t she? Almost like Poppy.

Nell: No one is like Poppy. She has amazing strength.

Me: And force of will.

Nell: Exactly. She’s the only one who has actually managed to take the Neon Green Chew away from David.

Me: Really?

Nell: Oh yes. David tried to keep hold of it but then she mumbled under her breath ‘I would let that go, Sunny Jim, if I were you.’

Me: She called Dave ‘Sunny Jim’?

Nell: She did.

Me: Do we know why?

Nell: She does that when she’s in a piratey mood.

Me: And did he?

Nell: Did he what?

Me: Let the Neon Green Chew go?

Nell: Of course he did. When Poppy says ‘Sunny Jim’ you give in at once. Resistance is futile.

Me: I’ll remember that.

Nell: I would.

Me: What’s your opinion on fluffy pillows?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Kev and I got new pillows and now I have a stiff neck.

Nell: They need a bit of Squashing In. I’ll do it for you later.

Me: That’s ok, Nell. I’ll do it myself.

Nell: I’d leave it to me, Sunny Jim, if I were you.

Me: Did you just say ‘Sunny Jim’?

Nell: I didn’t say it was only used by Poppy.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Look at Harriet’s dear little face.

Nell: Yes.

Me: I think Harriet might be as beautiful as Dave is handsome, especially when she gives me that soft eyed look.

Nell: Harriet is a lovely Chocolate Labrador.

Me: She is perfectly adorable. Just like her brother.

Nell: Please don’t bring perfection into this.

Me: Why not?

Nell: It is impossible to achieve. Striving for perfection can only result in disappointment.

Me: Well, I think you’re all perfect already so no striving is needed.

Nell: Kind of you to say so but please don’t.

Me: Why?

Nell: Well rounded animals need imperfections too.

Me: What about Whippets?

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Speaking as a well rounded person I feel the slimmer community should be included.

Nell: That is not what I was saying and you know it.

Me: I was only joking. You’re right. It would be a boring old world without imperfections.

Nell: It would.

Me: Imagine Poppy as an easy going chef with neatly brushed hair and nothing but a whisk in her paw.

Nell: You can do a lot with a whisk.

Me: Or Dave only ever eating what he’s given and never sitting on visitors or offering spontaneous affection.

Nell: Hard to imagine.

Me: Or Harriet only putting her paws in the sea instead of rushing into the waves with her whole self.

Nell: How else can you rush into the waves?

Me: You know what I mean.

Nell: I do.

Me: Or you never thinking you’re right all the time and telling everyone what to do.

Nell: I am right all the time so that’s never going to happen.

Me: You’re not right about Lionel King, Nell. He’s a bad lion.

Nell: Didn’t we just say imperfections are necessary?

Me: Not that many. Sorry.