Me: You won’t believe this.
Nell: Try me.
Me: I was saving this photo of Dave on my phone and it told me he was a Neapolitan Mastiff.
Nell: That’s absolutely outrageous.
Me: I know it is.
Nell: David is a pedigree Labrador from Oxfordshire in the United Kingdom.
Me: I know he is.
Nell: He’s Kennel Club registered.
Me: Yes.
Nell: There’s nothing Italian about him.
Me: He loves Spaghetti Bolognese.
Nell: David is the son of my sister Maisie.
Me: And nephew to you.
Nell: There have never been any Neapolitans in our family.
Me: Apart from Poppy.
Nell: Poppy is a Yorkshire Terrier/Maltese cross.
Me: There’s something decidedly Neapolitan about her. Admit it.
Nell: If you mean colourful then I will concede that might be true. She’s wearing a pirate hat today.
Me: Like in this photo?
Nell: Yes.
Me: And brandishing a sword?
Nell: She might be.
Me: My point exactly.
Nell: And Mastiffs are jowly, by the way.
Me: Yes, they are.
Nell: David isn’t jowly.
Me: Only a little bit. Occasionally. In the wrong light.
Nell: How dare you.
Me: He’s still handsome. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.
Nell: I think your phone needs resetting.
Me: That’s a bit harsh.
Nell: Turning everyone Italian.
Me: Only Dave.
Nell: You haven’t let anyone else use it, have you?
Me: Absolutely not.
Nell: You haven’t left it lying around anywhere? Like a Bus Stop?
Me: Of course not. Do you think someone’s tampered with it?
Nell: Has Siri been answering in Italian?
Me: Not recently.
Nell: He shouldn’t be speaking Italian at all unless asked.
Me: I was joking.
Nell: Well, I’ve had enough of this Neapolitan Nonsense. I’m going for a cup of Earl Grey and I suggest you do the same.
Me: Yes. Sorry.
