Me: Do you know what’s wrong with the two boys?
Nell: Which boys?
Me: Nigel and Dave. They’re sulking in the living room.
Nell: It’s probably about the Bacon Ban.
Me: Bacon Ban?
Nell: The studio wants them to lose weight. Apparently the camera puts inches on you.
Me: Or centimetres in the metric world.
Nell: Either way it adds pounds.
Me: Or kilos.
Nell: Stop.
Me: So are they on a diet?
Nell: Yes. Lots of fish and fresh vegetables.
Me: Sounds delicious to me.
Nell: You are not a Labrador.
Me: Does Herr Hoffmann know?
Nell: Of course he does. I informed him as soon as we received the list of acceptable foods.
Me: The studio sent a list?
Nell: They did. I’m guessing that Notorious Vegetarian James Beddall is behind a lot of it.
Me: James isn’t working for Beefy Productions. He’s one of our followers.
Nell: He definitely suggested a nut roast at the weekend.
Me: True.
Nell: Now, the important thing for us to remember is not to eat our bacon sandwiches in front of the boys.
Me: Excuse me?
Nell: It would be cruel.
Me: Are you telling me you’re not giving up bacon?
Nell: Of course not. Whatever next?
Me: But you’re in the film, too.
Nell: Mrs Hudson would never go without her bacon sandwiches. It’s a ridiculous idea.
Me: Neither would Dr Watson and The Handsome Hound.
Nell: Potato, potahto.
Me: Now you’re just being silly.
Nell: I can tell you one thing, nobody is going without roast beef next weekend. It’s Kev’s birthday and a nut roast simply won’t do.
Me: I’m on your side there.
Nell: In the meantime, however, bacon is off the menu.
Me: For everyone?
Nell: No. Just the boys. Do keep up.
Me: Yes. Sorry.
