Nell: We need to talk about Nigel.
Me: Can I ask about Sunday lunch with Rupert first?
Nell: You were there.
Me: I know but I was inside the pub.
Nell: You kept looking out of the window.
Me: Only to see the Whippets Institute Big Band.
Nell: Don’t forget the Morris dancing llamas.
Me: Yes, that was a nice surprise.
Nell: Was it? They shook their bells in my face.
Me: They were a huge hit with everyone.
Nell: I couldn’t hear a word Rupert was saying.
Me: What if it was something important?
Nell: Then he’ll say it again.
Me: Did you manage to tell him how you feel about him?
Nell: With all that noise?
Me: Probably not.
Nell: Back to Nigel.
Me: What has he done?
Nell: He was extremely naughty while we were out at lunch.
Me: Oh dear.
Nell: He tried to eat the Candle Clicker.
Me: Are you sure it was him?
Nell: There are bite marks and David saw him.
Me: Okay.
Nell: He took the stuffing out of the dog bed and threw it around the house.
Me: I wondered what all that brown fluff was.
Nell: And he stole David’s favourite toy and chewed it in front of him.
Me: That was very naughty. Did Dave get it back?
Nell: Only after an unpleasant tussle.
Me: Maybe Nigel was upset because he wasn’t invited out to lunch?
Nell: Dave and Harriet weren’t invited and neither was Malcolm, or Manuel.
Me: True.
Nell: The Hoffmanns made a delicious German stew with dumplings.
Me: It wasn’t a Sunday roast.
Nell: It was the German equivalent.
Me: No, that would be a Braten.
Nell: Stop splitting hares.
Me: It’s hairs.
Nell: Nonsense. Everyone knows hares like to stay in pairs.
Me: Right. Sorry.
