The Christmas Speech

Me: It’s raining so hard out there I can’t even see the fields.

Nell: The llamas are sheltering in the kitchen.

Me: That explains the smell of wet fur.

Nell: I came out here for some peace and quiet but David’s practising his Christmas speech so there’s no chance of that.

Me: I didn’t know Dave was giving a Christmas speech.

Nell: It’s being recorded this afternoon and will be broadcast to the nation on Christmas Day.

Me: To the nation?

Nell: Yes.

Me: On Christmas Day?

Nell: I just said that.

Me: Dave is not the King, Nell.

Nell: No, but he’s the Mayor of Kingsbridge.

Me: The Mayor of Kingsbridge doesn’t address the nation on Christmas Day.

Nell: He does now.

Me: I don’t think King Charles is going to be very happy about this.

Nell: He’s fine. There can be more than one you know.

Me: More than one king?

Nell: No. Speech. Good grief. Do keep up.

Me: Not to the nation on Christmas Day. Imagine people turning on their televisions expecting to see King Charles and actually seeing a black Labrador.

Nell; A giant black Labrador in a feathered hat with a mayoral chain.

Me: Except it isn’t.

Nell: Most people will be watching on their iBones I expect. Not everyone has YouChewed on their television.

Me: YouChewed?

Nell: Yes. David’s speech will be on our YouChewed channel.

Me: Why didn’t you say that in the first place? There I was thinking Dave was going to be giving the Christmas speech.

Nell: He is.

Me: No. The real one. It’s hard enough for people to get used to not seeing the Queen.

Nell: For some maybe, others might have been pleasantly surprised to see David in all his finery.

Me: You’re absolutely right, Nell. Sorry.