Spotted in Barks and Spencer

Nell: What are you doing downstairs?

Me: I thought I’d make myself a cup of tea.

Nell: You’re doing no such thing. You’re confined to bed until further notice.

Me: That’s harsh.

Nell: It’s for your own good and everyone else’s. Until your test results are back you must remain in isolation.

Me: Does that mean you won’t be visiting me?

Nell: Of course I will. Labradors and the more robust animals will continue to have regular access.

Me: Who isn’t robust, if I may ask?

Nell: Malcolm. He worries.

Me: What about Henry and Horst?

Nell: Henry and Horst? They are some of the most robust creatures I know. They go where they like.

Me: Silly me. Was that your iBone?

Nell: Yes, I’d better take the call. My friend Dorothy the Salcombe Setter is picking up a few items for me from Barks and Spencer. ‘Hello dear. Who? Are you sure?’

Me: What’s happened?

Nell: Dorothy saw Lionel King in the Chilled Foods section buying a sandwich.

Me: Gosh.

Nell: ‘He bought a drink, too, and a packet of crisps? Interesting.’

Me: A meal deal. He might as well.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No.

Nell: ‘Now, listen to me carefully, dear. I’m going to let Beauregard know where Lionel is, but in the meantime you’re going to have to try and keep him there.’

Me: You never call me ‘dear’.

Nell: Quiet. ‘I don’t know how you’re going to do that either, dear. Use your feminine wiles. Toss that glossy red hair of yours. Do whatever you must, until Beauregard arrives. Bye.’

Me: I’m not sure Dorothy is going to be enough to distract a hungry lion. Although she might be if he’s really hungry.

Nell: Stop that right now. I’m calling Beauregard.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

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