Nell: What are you doing downstairs?
Me: I thought I’d make myself a cup of tea.
Nell: You’re doing no such thing. You’re confined to bed until further notice.
Me: That’s harsh.
Nell: It’s for your own good and everyone else’s. Until your test results are back you must remain in isolation.
Me: Does that mean you won’t be visiting me?
Nell: Of course I will. Labradors and the more robust animals will continue to have regular access.
Me: Who isn’t robust, if I may ask?
Nell: Malcolm. He worries.
Me: What about Henry and Horst?
Nell: Henry and Horst? They are some of the most robust creatures I know. They go where they like.
Me: Silly me. Was that your iBone?
Nell: Yes, I’d better take the call. My friend Dorothy the Salcombe Setter is picking up a few items for me from Barks and Spencer. ‘Hello dear. Who? Are you sure?’
Me: What’s happened?
Nell: Dorothy saw Lionel King in the Chilled Foods section buying a sandwich.
Me: Gosh.
Nell: ‘He bought a drink, too, and a packet of crisps? Interesting.’
Me: A meal deal. He might as well.
Nell: That’s not the point.
Me: No.
Nell: ‘Now, listen to me carefully, dear. I’m going to let Beauregard know where Lionel is, but in the meantime you’re going to have to try and keep him there.’
Me: You never call me ‘dear’.
Nell: Quiet. ‘I don’t know how you’re going to do that either, dear. Use your feminine wiles. Toss that glossy red hair of yours. Do whatever you must, until Beauregard arrives. Bye.’
Me: I’m not sure Dorothy is going to be enough to distract a hungry lion. Although she might be if he’s really hungry.
Nell: Stop that right now. I’m calling Beauregard.
Me: Yes. Sorry.
