Me: Poppy is upstairs with a fierce face.

Nell: I know.

Me: I nearly said Cheeky Animal because I saw her tongue, but I decided against it.

Nell: A wise decision.

Me: It’s about that letter, isn’t it?

Nell: I told you she doesn’t want to discuss the letter.

Me: But I need to know.

Nell: No, you don’t. You just want to know.

Me: It’s the same thing.

Nell: It most certainly isn’t. As I said to David, ‘There is a big difference between wanting bacon and needing it.’

Me: I’m not sure there is, as far as Dave is concerned.

Nell: If I tell you, then you have to promise to keep quiet.

Me: I’m not sure I can.

Nell: Well, try.

Me: I will.

Nell: Poppy has been asked to attend an Anger Management course.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Don’t laugh.

Me: I hope she can take her sword.

Nell: Don’t be silly. That’s what got her into this mess.

Me: It was a frying pan.

Nell: You know what I mean. Those wretched Beefies reported her for wild and aggressive behaviour.

Me: Troublemakers. What is she going to do?

Nell: She says she’s not going and she will fight anyone who tries to make her.

Me: That’s not going to help her case.

Nell: No.

Me: I wish Mutley was here.

Nell: Yes. He is sadly missed.

Me: What about Knitwear Wolf? He is wearing a particularly reassuring knitted cardigan today. She might listen to him.

Nell: She won’t. She is refusing to listen to anyone.

Me: I do hope she comes round and agrees to go, otherwise she might be facing a lengthy imprisonment.

Nell: Imprisonment? She only bashed a few Beefies. It will be a fine at the most.

Me: Oh, I see. Sorry.

Me: Have you seen the carpet in Kev’s studio?

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: Poppy and Dave are lying flat out in the middle of bits of straw and cardboard.

Nell: Harriet and I weren’t involved.

Me: I can see Harriet’s paw.

Nell: Probably an optical illusion.

Me: I know you were there, too.

Nell: Have you any evidence confirming my presence at the scene of the crime?

Me: What crime?

Nell: I don’t know. I wasn’t there.

Me: When you start talking like a High Court judge then I know you’re up to something.

Nell: There may have been a brief game of Open the Box and some necessary Chasing but this is mere conjecture on my part.

Me: What box?

Nell: How should I know?

Me: Poppy and Dave seem exhausted.

Nell: You try chasing antelopes before breakfast.

Me: See, I knew something had been going on.

Nell: If you must know, several bandaged Beefies were spotted riding antelopes in the top field near Kev’s studio.

Me: By whom?

Nell: Walter Pigeon. But that’s not the point. They were pretending to be roosters which was particularly annoying.

Me: Were they cockadoodledoing?

Nell: No. But they were wearing red combs and shouting.

Me: Same thing.

Nell: Anyway, they woke the chickens and disturbed the larger animals from their Wednesday lie-in.

Me: Who has a Wednesday lie-in?

Nell: The larger animals. I just told you. Tuesday is their busiest day. Honestly, do keep up.

Me: I didn’t know.

Nell: Fortunately some of us were already taking part in our Morning Exercises so were able to chase the Beefies away.

Me: I didn’t know Morning Exercises involved tearing up boxes.

Nell: That’s because you never do any.

Me: It’s my writing time.

Nell: Just saying.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: All’s well in Dave’s world.

Nell: Why?

Me: Tony is here.

Nell: Those two really are the best of friends.

Me: It’s lovely to see.

Nell: Yes. David likes to talk things through with Tony.

Me: I wonder what they talk about?

Nell: Bacon and Beefies.

Me: Tony was attacked by one once, you know.

Nell: Nasty creatures. Have you seen them on the hill parading their bandages?

Me: No.

Nell: Riding on antelopes because apparently they can’t fly.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: All I can say is Poppy must have been wielding an enormous frying pan to have injured that many.

Me: Yes.

Nell: Tony left a letter. Is it for me? Only I’m expecting one from Dorothy.

Me: No. It’s addressed to Poppy.

Nell: She’s out with Knitwear Wolf getting supplies.

Me: I wonder who it’s from.

Nell: You are going to have to wait. She’ll be back later.

Me: Are they going to stop at Starbarks for a quick cappuccino and a chinwag with John the Doberman?

Nell: A quick chinwag? What are you talking about?

Me: It means chat.

Nell: I know what it means but why say it? It conjures up images of a Dogue de Bordeaux.

Me: Isn’t that the dog in ‘Turner and Hooch’?

Nell: I have no idea what you are talking about, but neither Poppy nor Rupert have wiggly chins.

Me: I’m glad John has been able to reopen.

Nell: Yes. It’s been a tough few months for the hospitality industry.

Me: What a strange world we live in, Nell.

Nell: Please tell me those lycra clad chihuahuas are not coming over here?

Me: I’m afraid they’re carrying an exercise ball and waving at Gladys.

Nell: Well, tell them to leave their wellington boots outside the door.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What’s the matter with my Big Brave Beautiful Boy? Has his ball rolled under the chest of drawers again?

Nell: He had a light breakfast.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: No bacon. Just toast and scrambled eggs.

Me: Sounds lovely to me.

Nell: Well, that’s not something I see every day.

Me: What? Scrambled eggs?

Nell: No. A whippet in wellington boots.

Me: The grass is a bit damp in the mornings so it’s probably wise.

Nell: Whippets don’t like wellingtons.

Me: Why?

Nell: They have delicate feet. They prefer a more fitted boot.

Me: Maybe it’s wearing two pairs of socks.

Nell: Possibly. It’s carrying a cake tin.

Me: Is it coming here?

Nell: No. It’s going towards the Big House. The Cat is probably having one of its Bridge mornings.

Me: I’m surprised you aren’t going. You enjoy a game of Bridge.

Nell: Yes. My Bridge partner Dorothy is an excellent player but unfortunately she is away visiting family.

Me: Is that Dorothy the Salcombe Setter?

Nell: Yes. Beautiful red hair.

Me: You could always take Dave with you.

Nell: David doesn’t play Bridge. He finds it hard to concentrate without eating.

Me: Kev likes card games.

Nell: He’s a cribbage man. You know that.

Me: Well, Poppy then?

Nell: Poppy only plays for money. Usually poker. But since we lost Mutley she hasn’t really bothered. If I was taking anyone, it would be Harriet.

Me: I used to play a long time ago when I lived in Africa.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: What does that mean?

Nell: It’s been over 20 years since you last played.

Me: Gosh. That’s actually rather shocking.

Nell: I know.

Me: I’m getting old, Nell.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: Time is passing me by.

Nell: Have you quite finished?

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Cheeky Animal!

Nell: I haven’t done anything.

Me: No. Harriet. She was pretending to be Thinking Thoughts but then she stuck her tongue out.

Nell: Well done. Harriet is exceptionally skilled. What else would one think but thoughts, by the way?

Me: Has Knitwear Wolf come back from the island yet?

Nell: Of course he has. Do you think I would be sitting here discussing Cheeky Animals with you if Rupert was stranded on Beefy Island?

Me: Probably not. Was he successful?

Nell: I’m afraid not. Stephen Seagull refused to meet him. He said he wasn’t prepared to talk to ‘hot headed hooligans.’ His words.

Me: Poppy is the hot headed hooligan. Not Rupert.

Nell: Apparently there were several Beefies walking around the island with bandages so Poppy obviously did some damage.

Me: Oh dear. Let’s hope they don’t retaliate with frying pans of their own.

Nell: Talking of frying pans. Can you smell sizzling?

Me: No, but I can definitely smell bacon.

Nell: That’s what I meant. David was allowed to choose our Sunday breakfast today so we’re getting the full works.

Me: A full English breakfast? Bacon, sausages, tomatoes, mushrooms, eggs and toast?

Nell: Yes. Not forgetting baked beans and red, or brown, sauce.

Me: We haven’t had one of those for ages.

Nell: I know but Poppy said whacking Beefies has given her an appetite. So, when David asked, she agreed.

Me: How marvellous. Why did Dave get to choose?

Nell: He showed Patience and Fortitude during the recent Beefy attack. Even though we have all been applauding Poppy’s wild and reckless behaviour we should recognise David’s Admirable Restraint.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: ‘Never raise your paw when a growl will do.’

Me: Unless you are Poppy.

Nell: Obviously.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Do you know what I love?

Nell: Us?

Me: Yes, and the fact that you always wait for me when we walk back from the beach.

Nell: You can be a little slow.

Me: I’m often taking photos.

Nell: So you need someone to gently chivvy you along.

Me: I do, and so do you nowadays.

Nell: I like to sniff the air.

Me: You like to mooch.

Nell: If you ask me, the world would be a better place if we all mooched a bit more and hurried a little less.

Me: True.

Nell: Anyway, have you heard what happened in David’s queue?

Me: No

Nell: Poppy came out of the kitchen with a frying pan and whacked the Beefies off the antelopes’ backs.

Me: She never did.

Nell: She did.

Me: What did they do?

Nell: Screamed and flew off.

Me: Do you think they’ll be back?

Nell: Why do you think we are all wearing armour?

Me: Henry and Horst often do.

Nell: Theirs is a dangerous world.

Me: Does Knitwear Wolf know about the latest developments? Wasn’t he going to try mediating with Stephen Seagull?

Nell: He’s not best pleased to be honest.

Me: He wouldn’t be.

Nell: He is still going to try and talk to Stephen on the island later.

Me: I think that ship might have sailed.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. He’s not sailing there. He’s riding down on his motorbike and paddle boarding over.

Me: Never mind.

Nell: Anyway, after we carried out an extensive audience survey and the overwhelming majority recommended Whacking the Beefies his paws were tied.

Me: I hope not. Isn’t he helping Tony’s wife Sue in the Craft Marquee at the Kingsbridge Show?

Nell: Yes, but it’s all online. You never listen, do you?

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: Sometimes I think we should all just go down to the beach and shake our heads at the sky.

Nell: Here we go. I had sea water in my ears. I was flapping them to get rid of it.

Me: You know what I mean. You dogs have got it right. There’s nothing like a brisk walk and a shake of the head to chase those troubles away.

Nell: Ok. I know you want me to ask you this, so I will. What troubles are we talking about here?

Me: My Big Brave Beautiful Boy is being blackmailed by the seagull mafia.

Nell: It’s the Beefies, not the mafia.

Me: They took one bacon sandwich this time. It might be a whole plateful next time.

Nell: We were discussing this at Morning Thoughts. Knitwear Wolf feels Mediation is the answer. Poppy is in favour of ‘Whacking Them’, with her sword. Her words.

Me: I can understand both points of view.

Nell: Yes, opinions were divided. Harriet, Malcolm, Susan and Benjamin were definitely in favour of Mediation but Gladys, Alejandro and the larger animals were on Poppy’s side.

Me: What about the llamas?

Nell: Conflicted. In my experience llamas struggle with making any decisions beyond which pyjamas to wear.

Me: What about Dave?

Nell: David looks up to Rupert. I think he will be guided by him.

Me: So, what’s the next step?

Nell: Rupert is going to approach Stephen Seagull after the Kingsbridge Show tomorrow. He has a place in the Craft Marquee.

Me: I didn’t know Stephen Seagull was into crafts.

Nell: He’s not. Knitwear Wolf and The Cat are exhibiting with Tony’s wife Sue. A Little Bit Crafty.

Me: And Stephen Seagull is going?

Nell: No. It’s online. Rupert will contact him afterwards.

Me: I see. Sorry.

Me: It was so good to see Dave and Tony back together. They’ve been apart for far too long.

Nell: It was exactly what David needed after a visit from those horrible Beefies. Wretched birds.

Me: Tell me what happened again.

Nell: When the antelopes got to the head of the queue the Beefies marched into David’s consulting room.

Me: What, all of them?

Nell: Yes. There were six I believe.

Me: How scary.

Nell: David said “What can I do for you chaps?’

Me: Chaps?

Nell: He was a little nervous.

Me: Understandable.

Nell: Then the biggest Beefy jumped on his table and said ‘No, my friend. What can we do for you?’

Me: Dave’s not their friend.

Nell: That’s not the point. The Beefies want protection money. Apparently David’s business is at risk if he doesn’t pay up.

Me: But he’s being paid in bacon.

Nell: They’ll take anything as long as it’s weekly.

Me: What’s he going to do?

Nell: They left with a bacon sandwich.

Me: Gosh. Yesterday was quite a day with our visit to the beach, too.

Nell: Shall we discuss your behaviour?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Did Kev ask you not to walk through that puddle?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Did you listen?

Me: No.

Nell: Did the water come up to your waist in the middle?

Me: Yes.

Nell: As Tony pointed out when we told him, it was ‘The Vicar of Dibley’ and the giant puddle all over again.

Me: I wasn’t completely submerged, Nell, and the water was lovely and warm.

Nell: The state of you when we were walking back to the car.

Me: I didn’t care. It was so lovely to be by the sea again.

Nell: I think you mean in the sea.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Where did you get those photos?

Me: Chloe sent them to me after your hydrotherapy.

Nell: She calls me her big hairy jellyfish.

Me: Yes. I know. She says you sit on her shoes when the water comes in and your hair floats around you like a jellyfish.

Nell: I’m nothing like a jellyfish.

Me: She says you are a pleasure to treat and a kind and quiet soul.

Nell: Well, that’s true at least.

Me: I was surprised at the quiet bit, though. I would never have called you quiet. You have so much to say.

Nell: May I point out that walking miles in a tank full of water is not conducive to conversation?

Me: I’d forgotten that.

Nell: And neither is being lasered and stretched.

Me: No. But you are walking better, Nell, and you were cheerful when you came home yesterday.

Nell: I’m always cheerful when I come home.

Me: The other three sat by the front gate the whole time you were away.

Nell: We support each other.

Me: We do. Talking of support wasn’t it lovely to see how many hugs we all got yesterday?

Nell: Yes. It was just what we needed. David is exhausted by the way.

Me: Why?

Nell: Look at the queue outside his consulting rooms? Everyone wants advice.

Me: I wasn’t expecting that.

Nell: What?

Me: Antelopes in the queue.

Nell: They get everywhere.

Me: With hangers-on.

Nell: Not those sheep again?

Me: No. They’ve got birds on their backs.

Nell: Starlings?

Me: No. Beefies.

Nell: What? This must be stopped.

Me: Don’t be judgemental, Nell. Even Beefies need Wise Words now and again.

Nell: They don’t want advice. They’re planning an attack. I’ll text David now on WoofsApp and you alert the others.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What’s the matter with darling Marv? Look at his grumpy face.

Nell: Chris and Shannon had breakfast without playing with him first.

Me: Well, they probably had to go to work.

Nell: Everyone knows there has to be playtime before breakfast.

Me: I didn’t.

Nell: No, because it’s your writing time and you’re not involved.

Me: Who is involved?

Nell: Everyone else?

Me: Everyone? Even Kev?

Nell: Yes. Kev is exceptionally good at playtime.

Me: Are Morning Thoughts before playtime?

Nell: Of course not. Morning Thoughts are after breakfast. How can anyone think on an empty tummy?

Me: True.

Nell: Now, David is going to zoom with Marvin when he wakes up. Toronto is five hours behind us, I think.

Me: Why Dave?

Nell: He’s the agony uncle. He is going to give Wise Advice and Virtual Cuddles.

Me: How on earth do you do that?

Nell: I don’t know. Something about tucking your paws in tightly around you and thinking happy thoughts. Ask David.

Me: I might do that with my family.

Nell: You’re missing them, aren’t you?

Me: Very much. It’s the worst thing about this pandemic.

Nell: Yes. I think there are a lot of people out there feeling lonely during this difficult time.

Me: Maybe we should organise one huge virtual hug where we put our arms around ourselves and say ‘Know you are loved and everything is going to be ok.’

Nell: That is actually a very good idea. Let’s say 6pm.

Me: What today?

Nell: Why not? Marvin is obviously in need of one and we can all join him and anyone else across the world who wants to take part.

Me: Wouldn’t it be amazing if people really joined in?

Nell: They will. #virtualhugday. We can do this. Together.

Me: Yes. Sorry.