Me: Have you seen Dave?
Nell: David is upstairs having a morning ear massage with Kev.
Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. Is he stressed?
Nell: He has been a little tense recently waiting to hear who is Handsome Hound 2020.
Me: I think he’s in with a very good chance.
Nell: We all do, but it’s best not to count one’s sausages before they’ve been cooked.
Me: Don’t you mean chickens before they hatch?
Nell: Certainly not. Have you ever tried counting chickens? Wretched creatures never stay still and the shouting. Did you hear them this morning? ‘Another egg. I’ve laid an egg.’
Me: Well, eggs are important at the moment. Did I see PC Amanda Panda coming out of The Barn?
Nell: Yes. It’s those llamas in pyjamas again. Out in threes. Someone reported seeing one going in there.
Me: Was it visiting the larger animals?
Nell: No. It was Alejandro wearing lycra, not pyjamas.
Me: Alpacas and llamas are easily confused.
Nell: They certainly are, and people get them mixed up, too.
Me: That’s what I meant. Never mind. Why was Alejandro wearing lycra?
Nell: ‘Glide with Gladys’.
Me: Of course.
Nell: Anyway, Amanda stayed for a quick scone and a chat while he was there. The larger animals have their own supply.
Me: Social distancing is easier in a barn, I suppose. I was wondering if the distance you have to be from someone depends on their size.
Nell: I beg your pardon?
Me: Surely Henry and Horst wouldn’t need to be as far away as Monty because a moose can cough much further than a woodlouse.
Nell: Just stop right there. We are not going to start measuring animals, thank you very much.
Me: I was only thinking.
Nell: Well, don’t.
Me: Yes. Sorry.
