Don’t mention Attila

Nell: I hope you are recording Strictly. Only I promised Anton I would give him feedback.

Me: Never mind that. How did it go with Mortimer? Did you secure the lease? Have we got the cafe?

Nell: If you could stop asking questions and allow me to answer I will tell you.

Me: I’m just excited.

Nell: It went extremely well. Mortimer is happy for us to take it on. As soon as Mutley’s lawyers have checked the contract he will sign and Tea on Tap can open for business.

Me: Do we need to do any decorating?

Nell: Yes. Ron Gilbert, the Great Dane from Torquay, has agreed to do the job. He has some Australian cattle dogs with time on their hands.

Me: Good on ya. You Beauty! There’s bound to be a barbie.

Nell: I’ve told you before that watching Neighbours and Masterchef Australia does not mean you can talk in that ridiculously bad Australian accent.

Me: Fair Dinkum.

Nell: Do stop. Poppy is working on menus. Traditional afternoon tea. Scones, cakes and finger sandwiches. A selection of teas and nice china.

Me: Yummy.

Nell: The Cat has come up with some interesting ideas for the interior design, most of which involve glitter and sequins, so we might ignore those.

Me: A little bit of glitter and sequins would be nice.

Nell: Harriet has a good eye so she will be working with The Cat and Jim has offered to help Ron in his spare time.

Me: What about Dave?

Nell: David is in charge of publicity. He is planning to tap dance through the streets with Gladys, Rita and those dancing chihuahuas. There may be maracas.

Me: That sounds entertaining.

Nell: Yes. Robert laughed and he never does.

Me: Who is Robert?

Nell: Mutley’s bodyguard. You must have met him. The quiet Rottweiler. Very softly spoken.

Me: I’ve never met a quiet Rottweiler.

Nell: Robert is very discreet.

Me: Attila was never discreet.

Nell: Please don’t mention Attila.

Me: Why does Mutley need a bodyguard?

Nell: It’s the Beefies. Issuing threats and behaving badly. The board felt Mutley needed more security.

Me: You must point Robert out to me.

Nell: Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t point out a bodyguard. They are supposed to melt into the background.

Me: Attila never melted into the background.

Nell: I asked you not to mention Attila.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

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