Nell: Sometimes Nigel is simply too much.

Me: Look at him giving Dave a kiss. Bless him.

Nell: David doesn’t want a kiss.

Me: Nigel is just being affectionate.

Nell: Nigel needs to respect other animals’ boundaries.

Me: Don’t worry. He won’t try and kiss you. He knows you don’t like it.

Nell: I wouldn’t be so sure about that. He’s tried kissing me before.

Me: He can’t help it, Nell. Sometimes he needs to share the love.

Nell: Well, he can share it somewhere else.

Me: Don’t be harsh.

Nell: There’s no other way with Nigel.

Me: I’m sure Dave doesn’t really mind. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Well, don’t coming running to me if the two boys fall out. I can’t see David putting up with this for very much longer.

Me: Is Sunday Songs in the Village Hall today?

Nell: Nice change of subject.

Me: I thought so.

Nell: Yes. Singing in the rain isn’t as much fun as the musical implies.

Me: My mother used to love that film. Gene Kelly was her favourite.

Nell: There will be no Yorkshire puddings with our Sunday roast today, by the way.

Me: Why?

Nell: We ate far too many of them yesterday with sausages. Remember?

Me: Oh yes. But they were giant ones.

Nell: A Yorkshire is a Yorkshire.

Me: I suppose so, although I could have managed a small one with my roast beef.

Nell: You sound just like David.

Me: At least we’re back to bacon sandwiches now that you’re feeling so much better.

Nell: Yes. Sunday isn’t Sunday without bacon.

Me: And a roast isn’t a roast without Yorkshires.

Nell: Change the record, please.

Me: But I don’t have a record player.

Nell: If we’re talking food let’s stick to bacon.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Did you know there are some homes where dogs are not allowed on the furniture?

Nell: Is this one of your stories?

Me: No. Some people don’t like it.

Nell: But we live here. It’s our home.

Me: I know. Sometimes I think Kev and I need to ask you if we can sit down.

Nell: We’re always willing to share.

Me: I came into the living room just now and there was Davey in Kev’s chair by the fire resting his paw on the arm like an English country gentleman.

Nell: He is an English country gentleman and don’t call him Davey.

Me: Just saying.

Nell: There’s nothing better than sitting by the fire on cold winter days with a good book.

Me: I’m not sure Dave’s much of a reader. He prefers listening to music.

Nell: Or watching one of those dreadful football matches with his mates on television.

Me: Mates?

Nell: That’s what he calls them.

Me: Are you talking about the Big Cat Vibe?

Nell: It’s not only the lions and tigers. The llamas are just as bad. Football crazy, the lot of them.

Me: I quite enjoy watching the odd game of football. I was in the mothers’ team in Berlin when Chris used to play.

Nell: You playing football? That’s a picture I’m not going to get out of my head today.

Me: I had quite a strong kick for a short person.

Nell: Moving on, what do you feel about Yorkshire puddings on a Saturday?

Me: Aren’t they a Sunday sort of food?

Nell: Kev has requested giant Yorkshires filled with sausages, mashed potatoes, vegetables and gravy.

Me: Kev asked for that?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Only it sounds awfully like a Labradorian request to me.

Nell: It sounds delicious.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: What were you doing prowling around downstairs last night?

Me: I wasn’t prowling.

Nell: You woke us all up.

Me: I was looking for Harriet.

Nell: Harriet was asleep in your chair.

Me: Yes, I know that now.

Nell: And David was asleep in Kev’s chair until you woke him up and he had to take you back upstairs.

Me: Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: So why were you downstairs?

Me: There was an awful storm outside and I thought I could hear a dog barking and Harriet was stuck outside.

Nell: Stuck outside?

Me: Yes, in the wind and rain. I could see her in my mind standing at the door all wet and terrified.

Nell: She was curled up in your chair in the warm.

Me: Not in my head. I couldn’t rest until I knew she was safe.

Nell: So you woke us all up?

Me: I didn’t wake you up. You were snoring away.

Nell: David took ages to get back to sleep.

Me: How do you know?

Nell: He told me while he was eating my boiled egg by mistake.

Me: It must be nice to have eggs for breakfast again.

Nell: I wouldn’t know. David ate them.

Me: At least he’s not eating spaghetti bolognese.

Nell: He had that earlier. We all did. It was tasty.

Me: When the vet said you could slowly go back to your normal diet she didn’t mean spaghetti bolognese.

Nell: You don’t know that.

Me: I most certainly do. Anyway, I thought you disapproved of Dave and the Italian?

Nell: This time I was included.

Me: What?

Nell: It said ‘per favore condividi questo con la cara Nell’.

Me: What does that mean?

Nell: Please share this with the lovely Nell. Do keep up.

Me: Sorry.

Me: Have you seen the Puppies?

Nell: They’re upstairs on your bed watching the Bus Stop.

Me: Of course. Now that the children are back at school they need to monitor it again.

Nell: They’re also on the lookout for Italians.

Me: Italians?

Nell: Yes.

Me: How are they going to know they’re Italian?

Nell: You know how.

Me: No, I don’t.

Nell: From the spaghetti bolognese.

Me: Real Italians don’t even eat spaghetti bolognese. They say it needs a different pasta.

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: It kind of is. Anyway, Dave must have met the Italian.

Nell: David said his spaghetti bolognese was left at the Bus Stop for him in a sealed Tupperware container.

Me: How did he know it was for him?

Nell: Because there was writing on the lid.

Me: There might be more than one Dave in the village. He could be eating someone’s lunch.

Nell: No. It was definitely for him.

Me: How can you be sure?

Nell: It said ‘grande, coraggioso, bellissimo ragazzo’.

Me: Nice accent.

Nell: Thank you.

Me: What does it mean?

Nell: Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Me: Oh dear.

Nell: Quite.

Me: I’m the only one who calls him that.

Nell: Not anymore.

Me: How did they know?

Nell: We were discussing this at Morning Thoughts. Either our conversations are being bugged or we have a traitor in our midst.

Me: There’s a third option.

Nell: What is it?

Me: They might have read my book?

Nell: True. It could be all three but I’m leaning towards NOIR.

Me: Don’t do that, Nell.

Nell: Figuratively, not literally.

Me: I see. There are an awful lot of birds in the village. It would be easy for a rook to go unnoticed.

Nell: They’re never alone.

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: I wonder why Dave does that?

Nell: Does what?

Me: Wears his favourite toy over his head like that.

Nell: He likes it.

Me: But it can’t be comfortable.

Nell: Comfort isn’t everything. Except when it comes to dog beds.

Me: Don’t start all that again, Nell. You’ll get used to your new bed soon.

Nell: Moving on, Herr Hoffmann says we need to eat more vegetarian food in future.

Me: He sounds just like James Beddall.

Nell: Don’t mention that Notorious Vegetarian to me.

Me: I think Herr Hoffman is probably right. We eat far too much meat.

Nell: So you’re all going to be having a Cheese and Potato Bake for dinner.

Me: Sounds delicious.

Nell: I shall be continuing with chicken and rice, of course.

Me: Dave is going to be ever so jealous of your chicken.

Nell: He’s still getting spaghetti bolognese from somewhere.

Me: Is he?

Nell: Yes. I think an Italian must have moved into the village.

Me: How exciting. I wonder if there will be pizza too?

Nell: That’s not the point.

Me: No, of course not.

Nell: David shouldn’t be taking food from strangers.

Me: Maybe it isn’t a stranger? Oh dear, I’ve just had an awful thought.

Nell: What?

Me: You don’t think it could be Sponge Finger, do you?

Nell: You mean Savoiardi? Head of NOIR?

Me: The Notorious Organisation of International Rooks.

Nell: Yes, I know who he is.

Me: Surely Dave would never accept food from Sponge Finger?

Nell: David would accept spaghetti bolognese from anyone. Especially when there’s only a vegetarian alternative.

Me: We need to stop him, Nell. Call me at the first sign of spaghetti.

Nell: Something I thought I’d never hear anyone say.

Me: Or pizza.

Nell: Except for you.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I have the feeling I might have done something wrong.

Nell: What led you to that conclusion, Sherlock Martin?

Me: You seem thoroughly fed up and Harriet won’t even look at me.

Nell: Well spotted.

Me: What have I done?

Nell: Let’s start with Julian, shall we?

Me: Julian the Christmas tree?

Nell: Did you think we wouldn’t notice he’s gone?

Me: He had to go. Christmas is over.

Nell: You and Kev took off all his finery and dragged him outside.

Me: I know we did.

Nell: And now I hear he’s going to be fed to the goats.

Me: Goats love a good Christmas tree.

Nell: This is not the way to treat a friend.

Me: There’ll be another Julian next Christmas.

Nell: I can’t believe you just said that. There will never be another Julian.

Me: Fine. What else have I done?

Nell: You weren’t content with throwing Julian out, were you?

Me: Wasn’t I?

Nell: No. Where are our favourite dog beds?

Me: You mean the old tatty ones?

Nell: Tatty?

Me: They had holes in them and they’d lost their bounce.

Nell: We all lose our bounce when we get older.

Me: They had to go, Nell. I got you new ones.

Nell: The new ones are not the same.

Me: No. They’re softer and thicker.

Nell: And smaller.

Me: They’re a little smaller than I’d hoped.

Nell: We barely fit into them.

Me: You have a choice of lovely beds now. Here and in the kitchen. Some are smaller than others but they’re all very comfortable.

Nell: You sound like one of those sales people on the shopping channel.

Me: When do you watch the shopping channel?

Nell: At night with Harriet when we can’t sleep in our tiny little beds.

Me: Sorry.

Me: How are you feeling today?

Nell: A little tired.

Me: You will be.

Nell: Of chicken.

Me: The vet said you need to stay on a restricted diet for seven days.

Nell: Am I not even allowed a shortbread biscuit with my cup of Earl Grey?

Me: No, and I know it’s difficult.

Nell: Everyone is eating secretly around me.

Me: They probably don’t want to upset you.

Nell: I caught David wolfing down a spaghetti bolognese yesterday.

Me: Where did he get that from?

Nell: Don’t ask me.

Me: Was he in the kitchen?

Nell: No. He was at the Bus Stop with the Big Cat Vibe.

Me: It’s far too cold to be eating outside.

Nell: Marvin says we have no idea what cold really is over here in Devon.

Me: Does he?

Nell: Yes, he says we should experience Canada in the winter.

Me: I’m not sure I want to. Is Marvin okay?

Nell: No. Marvin is sick of snow.

Me: Oh dear. Winter has only just begun.

Nell: And now Chris and Shannon have gone back to work and all he can do is snuggle up in a blanket and wait.

Me: It’s 5th January everyone has gone back to work.

Nell: It’s a lonely life.

Me: No, it isn’t. Chris works from home.

Nell: Shannon doesn’t.

Me: Marvin will be fine. Don’t worry about him. Just concentrate on getting better.

Nell: How can I when you abandon me at every possible opportunity?

Me: I’m only going to the gym for my aqua class. I won’t be long.

Nell: I know how Marvin feels.

Me: Stop being such a drama queen. You’re surrounded by loving and caring animals.

Nell: Maybe a small scone would help? With jam and cream?

Me: It’s not happening, Nell. Sorry.

Nell: Why are Nigel and Harriet sitting at the top of the stairs?

Me: They’re guarding the house.

Nell: Are we under attack?

Me: No. You’re not well, so everyone is on high alert.

Nell: My stomach bug isn’t going to come leaping through the front door and run upstairs.

Me: We feel like we need to be on guard.

Nell: Well, you can all relax. I’m feeling a lot better.

Me: I can tell.

Nell: I slept most of yesterday and intend to do the same today if you’ll let me.

Me: We’re just watching over you.

Nell: You’re checking me every few minutes.

Me: Yes, that must be annoying.

Nell: It is. And where’s my breakfast? I can’t smell bacon and it’s Sunday.

Me: We’ve all decided to go without bacon sandwiches because you’re not well.

Nell: David agreed to that?

Me: He did.

Nell: He will need extra Yorkshire puddings and gravy with his roast later.

Me: We’re not having a roast today.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: You’re on a strict diet of boiled chicken and rice.

Nell: But I’m feeling better.

Me: Yes, and I’m extremely grateful for that but we have to make sure you don’t overdo it.

Nell: Eating a bacon sandwich, or a few roast potatoes, isn’t overdoing it.

Me: Yes, it is. I’m afraid you’re stuck with chicken and rice for the next few days.

Nell: Days? Isn’t today enough?

Me: No. You’re our precious Nell and you’ve been really unwell.

Nell: And Sunday Songs?

Me: We’re singing at the Bus Stop today. If you look out of the window you can see the Welsh Corgi Choir gathering.

Nell: I’m truly touched by this.

Me: We love you.

Nell: Any chance of a small piece of bacon?

Me: No. Sorry.

Me: We’re not feeling our best today, are we?

Nell: No, we’re not.

Me: In fact we haven’t really slept the whole night because you’re not well.

Nell: I’m not.

Me: You had a bad tummy which the vet thinks might be a bug.

Nell: It’s uncomfortable.

Me: I know it is. And when you’re uncomfortable we’re all uncomfortable.

Nell: Everyone kept fussing.

Me: They’re all worried about you, Nell.

Nell: David stuck his face in my face.

Me: He’s just checking up on you.

Nell: Nigel followed me around.

Me: Which annoyed you quite a lot.

Nell: Yes, it did.

Me: Harriet is probably the best one to keep an eye on you.

Nell: Maybe.

Me: It’s difficult to know what to do.

Nell: Kev was awake all night.

Me: I know he was. I’ve sent him up to bed. He’s exhausted.

Nell: I think I’d like it to be just you and me for a little while now.

Me: Yes, that’s what I think, too.

Nell: You can write and I can have a little sleep.

Me: You do that.

Nell: Being unwell isn’t fun at all.

Me: No, it isn’t.

Nell: If you fall asleep, too, that’s fine with me.

Me: I might do, Nell. It’s been a long night.

Nell: Stop writing now and rest. You can post a longer conversation tomorrow. Everyone will understand.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: No sorries. Not today.

Me: It’s jolly cold, isn’t it?

Nell: There’s nothing jolly about it.

Me: The weather forecast is for snow and ice across the UK.

Nell: It is January, I suppose.

Me: I don’t think there will be any snow here but the roads will be icy first thing in the morning.

Nell: Don’t go driving anywhere.

Me: I won’t. Don’t worry.

Nell: At least the sun is trying to shine.

Me: Yes. I don’t mind the cold so much in the sunshine.

Nell: I do. I’m staying in front of the fire.

Me: Look at all the snow in Toronto.

Nell: Yes. Marvin is cuddling in again.

Me: I don’t blame him.

Nell: David comes into his own at this time of year.

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s an excellent Cuddler and provides warmth.

Me: Yes, he does. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: I’m glad to see the Stuffed Tiger is back on the chest of drawers.

Me: I had to move it. Nigel was furious when he saw it on the bunk bed.

Nell: Nigel was right. It has no business on there. The grandchildren have gone.

Me: Don’t be so harsh, Nell. It’s missing the children terribly.

Nell: It’s all an act. It listens to every word we say and offers no contributions. It’s worse than Alexa.

Me: The tiger is stuffed, Nell. It can’t answer.

Nell: Moving on, we’d like to say a big thank you to those of you who kindly bought us a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: Yes, thank you so much for your generosity. Your support means a great deal to us and makes a genuine difference to our small economy.

Nell: It’s a shame you’re not a plumber.

Me: Why?

Nell: Plumbers make a lot more than writers.

Me: You’re right. Sorry.