Nell: Why did you choose that photo of me? It’s not very flattering.
Me: You look happy, Nell.
Nell: I don’t have any ears.
Me: Nonsense. I like it.
Nell: I’d never have been chosen as Mrs Hudson if I looked like that.
Me: You do look like that.
Nell: Sherlock Bones’s housekeeper has to have ears.
Me: You do have ears.
Nell: Moving on, if you see a French Poodle wandering about the house today don’t be alarmed.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Nell: She’s Harriet’s dialect coach.
Me: Why does Harriet need a dialect coach?
Nell: She’s French.
Me: Yes, you just told me.
Nell: No, Harriet is French. She’s the Mysterious Mademoiselle. Remember?
Me: Oh yes. Sally should really be the Mysterious Mademoiselle.
Nell: Why?
Me: She probably falls in love with Dave.
Nell: Have you read the script?
Me: Not yet.
Nell: Well, I happen to know it’s not David.
Me: Thank goodness for that.
Nell: It’s Dominic Slumberbox.
Me: The Irish Wolfhound?
Nell: Yes.
Me: Staying at the Stately Home with Stephen Seagull?
Nell: Yes.
Me: Harriet can’t fall in love with him. He’s not to be trusted.
Nell: He’s Sherlock Bones.
Me: He’s a movie star. They have a different girl in every port.
Nell: Firstly, this is a village not a port and secondly you’re talking about sailors.
Me: Oh yes.
Nell: And thirdly it’s only in the film. In reality Harriet is still pining for Jim the Farm Dog.
Me: Thank goodness for that.
Nell: I disagree. It’s time for her to move on. In fact, if she wants a brief dalliance with a famous film star I have nothing against it.
Me: I do. I must stop her.
Nell: You know this is all hypothetical, don’t you?
Me: Oh yes. Sorry.
