Me: I had a lovely birthday. Thank you to everyone for your kind messages.

Nell: The weather was certainly kind.

Me: Yes. It was wonderful to see the sun again.

Nell: I almost walked to the sea.

Me: You would have managed to get there if you hadn’t worn yourself out chasing that friendly young German Shepherd.

Nell: He annoyed me.

Me: He just wanted to play. He didn’t know you were a grumpy old lady.

Nell: Harriet never stopped running.

Me: I know. Forwards and backwards between us and Kev.

Nell: Didn’t I see her surfing at one point?

Me: It was an accidental surf. The wave was bigger than she thought. She still loved it.

Nell: David seems a little more thoughtful after his escapade.

Me: I think it’s part of the whole charade. He’s supposed to be sad because he lost the box of diamonds.

Nell: I shall be glad when Sally’s collected it.

Me: Where is the box?

Nell: It’s best you don’t know.

Me: I have a feeling it’s in my bedroom.

Nell: Why?

Me: Dave keeps running up there, looking around, and running back down again.

Nell: That’s just David.

Me: And you’ve started sleeping up there.

Nell: I enjoy sleeping on the other Yellow Chair.

Me: It’s not in my underwear drawer, is it?

Nell: Absolutely not. How could you suggest such a thing?

Me: I already checked my dressing table.

Nell: Fine. You won’t leave it alone, so I might as well tell you. And before I do, let me assure you that this was not my idea.

Me: Where is it?

Nell: On top of the wardrobe behind the Stuffed Tiger.

Me: How exciting. I’d love to take a look.

Nell: You will do nothing of the sort.

Me: No. Sorry.

Nell: Happy Birthday to you.

Me: Thank you. What do you think about my wolf hat?

Nell: It’s not a wolf hat. It’s far too hairy. This is Devon not the Antarctic.

Me: I love it. Can I smell bread?

Nell: Yes, freshly baked bread rolls for your breakfast. Herr Hoffmann thought you’d like a German one.

Me: I would, if I can have an English one at the weekend.

Nell: Are you going out to dinner?

Me: No. Kev and I are having fish and chips and a glass of champagne in front of the fire.

Nell: What about us?

Me: You’re included. That’s why we’re staying home.

Nell: You’ll be missing Alice and Chris and the grandchildren but there’s FaceTime and Charlotte and Nigel will be here at the weekend.

Me: Yes.

Nell: I wrote you a poem.

Me: Thank you.

Nell: Would you like to hear it?

Me: Very much.

Nell: It’s quite short.

Me: Aren’t we all?

Nell: ‘It’s someone’s birthday today

Who doesn’t like a fuss.

Who’d much rather stay

Hidden behind all of us.

Well, I’m sorry, dear Sara,

That simply won’t do.

Some people need celebrating

And yes, I mean you.

I know this particular birthday

Is not an easy thing,

But think of your stories

And the joy that they bring.

You may be quite old

And you may be quite small

But the love that surrounds you

Is not small at all.’

Me: I love it.

Nell: Good. Notice I didn’t mention your exact age.

Me: Yes, I appreciated that.

Nell: I couldn’t find anything to rhyme with 66 or pension.

Me: I can always rely on you to tell it as it is.

Nell: You can always rely on me no matter what. You and me. Always.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: Password, please.

Me: Don’t start that again.

Nell: You’re not coming into my semicircle of power without saying the password.

Me: But I don’t know what the password is.

Nell: Stay where you are then, please.

Me: This is ridiculous.

Nell: Learn from David. He’s waiting patiently.

Me: What’s the point in waiting? The password isn’t going to magically drop out of the sky.

Nell: Talking of which, hard hats will still need to be worn at home. The Beefies are furious.

Me: I know. They nearly knocked Malcolm over with a mackerel.

Nell: Herr Hoffmann just catches them in his paws and says, ‘Naughty little girls.’

Me: I never think of the Beefies as girls. They’re always boys in my head.

Nell: He means gulls. It’s his German accent.

Me: I know. Why is Claudette angry with Dave? I heard her shouting at him in the garden.

Nell: It wasn’t real shouting.

Me: Yes, it was. I don’t speak Raven, but she was definitely jolly cross with him about something.

Nell: Let’s hope the Beefies agree.

Me: That’s not very nice, Nell.

Nell: Nobody must know they are friends.

Me: But they sang a duet at Sunday Songs.

Nell: ‘Anything you can do’ is an arguing song and the Beefies weren’t invited.

Me: Fair enough. Where are the diamonds, by the way?

Nell: Somewhere safe for now.

Me: For now?

Nell: Sally will be collecting them soon and returning them to their rightful owner.

Me: I hope Dave doesn’t have to do any more deliveries.

Nell: David has been fired for Gross Ineptitude.

Me: Harsh. What about Lionel?

Nell: He’s still frying bacon.

Me: I don’t trust that lion.

Nell: Calm down. It’s your birthday tomorrow and you need to be worry-free and well-rested.

Me: I’ll try. Sorry.

Me: It’s Shannon’s birthday today.

Nell: I know. Marvin has been in touch from Toronto. He’s not well.

Me: Oh dear. Poor boy.

Nell: He still wanted me to write a poem for her. Would you like to hear it?

Me: Very much.

Nell: ‘I think you should know

It’s Shannon’s birthday today 

And a certain young dog

Has something to say.

He wants me to share

That his name is Marvin

And he appreciates the care

But he’s absolutely starving.

He had a bad tummy

And was put on a diet.

But diets aren’t funny

And he refuses to be quiet. 

He needs a quick sandwich

Or a nice piece of cake.

Surely a hot dog

Would not be a mistake?

Birthdays are for celebrating

With the food you adore

With the dogs you have rescued

Who are asking for more.

Please listen to Marvin

Cos he loves you to bits.

You’d make him so happy

With a small steak and chips.’

Me: There’s a lot about food.

Nell: Marvin is very hungry. A small spoonful of rice is not enough.

Me: Well, I’m sure she will love the poem and I hope he feels better very soon.

Nell: Now, I wouldn’t go outside at the moment without a hard hat.

Me: Why?

Nell: The Beefies are very angry about David losing the diamonds.

Me: The diamonds disguised as seashells in a box?

Nell: Yes, they fell into the sea when he crossed over to Burgh Island.

Me: You said Rupert saw Dave cycling down our lane with no baguettes, wearing a feathered hat with a big black bird on it carrying a box of seashells.

Nell: Did I?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Try and forget I said that.

Me: The diamonds are here, aren’t they?

Nell: Quiet.

Me: Sorry.

Me: It’s biblical out there. Thunder and lightning and torrential rain.

Nell: I’m waiting for my scrambled eggs on toast.

Me: Did you clean the saucepan?

Nell: The saucepan I was given was already clean.

Me: Oh dear. Maybe someone got there before you?

Nell: A clean saucepan is not a Labrador’s idea of a good start to the day.

Me: Never mind. I’d love to hear more about Dave and Claudette.

Nell: As I told you, she and Dave have been pen pals for years.

Me: But what is Dave doing being friends with a member of NOIR?

Nell: Claudette wasn’t a member when they first started writing to each other. It was all Sally’s idea.

Me: So, Sally knows about Claudette?

Nell: She recruited her years ago.

Me: Recruited?

Nell: Yes. Claudette is a spy working undercover at NOIR.

Me: Does Dave know?

Nell: Of course he does.

Me: Well, he could have told me.

Nell: Nobody could tell you anything.

Me: That’s a bit harsh. Can you tell me now?

Nell: Only if you keep it to yourself.

Me: Our friends won’t say anything. They’re on our side.

Nell: Fine. The first thing you need to know is that Lionel King is working with Sally, too.

Me: Really?

Nell: When the diamonds went missing, Sally suspected NOIR and the Beefies were up to their old tricks and sent Lionel in to check.

Me: What diamonds?

Nell: You don’t think it was really a box of seashells, do you?

Me: I had no reason to think otherwise.

Nell: Lionel knew they were hidden somewhere in the Beefy Bacon Bap van.

Me: Why bring Dave into it?

Nell: Nobody trusts Lionel. Everybody trusts David.

Me: And?

Nell: I need to eat my breakfast now. More later.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: My darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy is home! Waking up to see his gorgeous face staring at me was absolutely wonderful.

Nell: David wasn’t actually supposed to wake you, but he insisted on running straight upstairs.

Me: I don’t care. My boy’s home. That’s all that matters.

Nell: He didn’t come home alone.

Me: I hope he didn’t bring that wretched lion with him.

Nell: Lionel King is not the villain you think he is.

Me: Is he here?

Nell: No. Someone else is.

Me: Tell me what happened.

Nell: Rupert was out delivering the papers when he saw David cycling down our lane in a feathered hat with a large black bird on it, no baguettes, and a box full of seashells.

Me: This is beginning to sound like the game when you have to remember what everyone bought.

Nell: It’s definitely not a game.

Me: Did you say ‘big black bird’?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Is it here?

Nell: Don’t call her ‘it’, please. Her name is Claudette Corbeau and she’s staying for Sunday roast.

Me: Are you telling me we have a member of NOIR in our house?

Nell: I am.

Me: The Notorious Organisation of International Rooks?

Nell: Claudette is not a rook. She’s a raven.

Me: Ravens, rooks. It makes no difference.

Nell: It most certainly does. Ravens are much larger than rooks. Claudette and David first bonded over their size.

Me: First bonded?

Nell: David and Claudette have known each other for years.

Me: You’re joking.

Nell: They’re pen pals. I told you David spoke French.

Me: I don’t know what to say.

Nell: Then say nothing. Now, get your coat and hat and come outside. Claudette and David are singing together at Sunday Songs. You don’t want to miss it.

Me: Right. Sorry.

Me: You know when we went down to the beach to look for Dave?

Nell: Yes?

Me: I didn’t feel your heart was in it.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: He’s supposed to be on the island, Nell.

Nell: And?

Me: And you weren’t even looking the right way.

Nell: He might not be on the island anymore.

Me: Do you know something I don’t?

Nell: Do I?

Me: That’s not an answer.

Nell: Well spotted Sherlock Martin.

Me: You do know something.

Nell: I might.

Me: Why won’t you tell me?

Nell: Because you’re terrible at keeping secrets.

Me: No, I’m not.

Nell: The Beefies need to think David is on the island.

Me: Why?

Nell: That’s why we need to be seen to be looking for him.

Me: We are looking for him.

Nell: All is not as it seems.

Me: I hate it when you do this.

Nell: Herr Hoffmann is making a warming beef stew for lunch today.

Me: Stop changing the subject.

Nell: With creamy mashed potatoes, runner beans and peas.

Me: Dave loves runner beans. Tony grows them in his garden and sometimes he brings us some.

Nell: Yes.

Me: You’re trying to stop me asking questions about Dave.

Nell: And for pudding we’re having apple crumble with double cream.

Me: Dave likes custard with his crumble.

Nell: Custard will also be available.

Me: Are you telling me Dave might be home for lunch?

Nell: I couldn’t possibly say.

Me: Yes, you jolly well could.

Nell: Would you join me by the fire later? We could watch Saturday Kitchen together over a cup of Earl Grey.

Me: I’d rather watch out of the window for my Big Brave Beautiful Boy to come home.

Nell: We can do both, you know.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: All we can do is wait for Dave to come home. Even Nigel is low.

Nell: Of course Nigel’s low. And we’re not doing nothing.

Me: It feels like it.

Nell: The Royal Owl Force are monitoring Burgh Island by air and Princess and Sir Roger Blubbery have joined the Navy Seals to keep an eye from the sea.

Me: My poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy is stuck on an island with nothing but some stale baguettes, a box of seashells and a nasty black rook.

Nell: We don’t know the rook is nasty and David won’t mind the baguettes being a little crunchy.

Me: No. At least there’s bacon inside them.

Nell: I doubt that very much. I think the bacon might have been the first thing to go.

Me: You’re right.

Nell: Now, Sally seems strangely calm about all this and so does Harriet.

Me: I noticed that, too.

Nell: I was talking to Rupert about it and we are wondering if it is actually part of the plan.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: David was supposed to go undercover.

Me: He was.

Nell: Do you speak French?

Me: I’m not going undercover, Nell.

Nell: David does.

Me: Does what?

Nell: Speak French. He learnt it when he was pretending to be a French waiter.

Me: Oh yes. I remember.

Nell: So, he will know Étienne Mouette means Stephen Seagull in French.

Me: It does?

Nell: And he will also know the Cottage Hotel is closed in January.

Me: Will he?

Nell: Yes, because we can never take you there on your birthday.

Me: Don’t remind me about my birthday. I think I might just forget it this year.

Nell: Nonsense. David will be home by then and we will all celebrate together.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: It was kind of the Daily Growl to publish a poster.

Nell: Kind has nothing to do with it. Have you read the headlines?

Me: No.

Nell: ‘Mayor of Kingsbridge Is Not Bringing Home the Bacon.’

Me: Oh dear. Poor Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy. He must be so frightened.

Nell: He must be so tired. There have been sightings of David everywhere.

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Sally organised a direct link to the Daily Growl newsroom so Henry and Horst can monitor all responses.

Me: And?

Nell: David’s on the move.

Me: Where is he?

Nell: One of the first responses was from West Highland terrier Dr Finlay from Scotland who’s holidaying in Devon with his wife Janet.

Me: I don’t need all the details, Nell.

Nell: He saw David riding down Kingsbridge Fore Street with five baguettes.

Me: Down Fore Street? It’s one way. You drive up.

Nell: That’s not the point. You will notice there are only five baguettes.

Me: Dave’s bound to be hungry. All that cycling.

Nell: Chairman Miaow saw David with four baguettes on the road to Totnes.

Me: Was he waving?

Nell: David has no time for waving.

Me: I meant Chairman Miaow. Is he a Lucky Cat?

Nell: I’ve no idea. He’s a Dragon Li and rarely seen outside China.

Me: At least Dave’s still eating.

Nell: The latest sighting, just in, is on the Sea Tractor to Burgh Island.

Me: How many baguettes?

Nell: I don’t know but there was a large black bird sitting on his hat.

Me: How rude. As if Dave isn’t tired enough without some big old bird using his hat to perch on.

Nell: It wasn’t any old bird. It was a rook and you know what that means.

Me: Oh no! Sorry.

Me: What do you mean nobody knows where Dave is? I knew he was in danger.

Nell: He might not be in danger. We just know he’s missing.

Me: Tell me again what happened.

Nell: As you might know, the Beefies also do deliveries.

Me: Book a Beefy?

Nell: Yes.

Me: We use Terry. He’s a nice seagull.

Nell: We do. Anyway, the deliveries now include bacon baps and baguettes so when they received a large order they decided David should be the one to deliver it.

Me: Why?

Nell: He’s strong and he can ride a bicycle.

Me: Fair enough. What was the order?

Nell: Six baguettes and a box of seashells.

Me: A little odd.

Nell: Not really. You used to bring us seashells before we moved down here.

Me: Yes, I did. Do we know who placed the order?

Nell: We do. It was a Mr Étienne Mouette.

Me: That’s a fancy French name.

Nell: He’s probably on holiday and missing his baguettes.

Me: Maybe.

Nell: Anyway, David agreed to deliver the baguettes so they put them in a doggy bag with the box of seashells.

Me: How was he going to transport all that?

Nell: In a basket on the front of his bicycle.

Me: I see.

Nell: Before he left, David did a strange thing.

Me: What?

Nell: He took off his jaunty hat with Henry inside and put on his feathered one.

Me: His mayoral hat?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Why?

Nell: Nobody knows, and the thing is he never arrived.

Me: Where?

Nell: At the Cottage Hotel.

Me: What?

Nell: That’s where Étienne Mouette is staying.

Me: But the Cottage Hotel is closed in January.

Nell: Oh yes.

Me: So, where’s my Big Brave Beautiful Boy?

Nell: I wish I knew.

Me: Yes. Sorry.