Me: Why are Poppy and Dave sharing a bed when you have a whole sofa and an excess of cushions to yourself?

Nell: Poppy had her hair cut and David felt she needed him to keep her warm.

Me: I’m not sure she agrees, judging by her face.

Nell: Now, Mrs King is taking tea with me later in the drawing room so we’ll need some space.

Me: We don’t have a drawing room.

Nell: Drawing room, living room, they’re the same thing.

Me: If we had a drawing room it would be for Timothy so he doesn’t have to paint in the kitchen.

Nell: Is Timothy back from retreat?

Me: He flew in just now.

Nell: Nonsense. We both know turkeys only fly very short distances and Timothy has been abroad.

Me: Knitwear Wolf collected him from the station on his motorbike. Malcolm went with him in the sidecar.

Nell: I hope there was enough room for Timothy.

Me: Princess goes in it all the time and she’s a seal so there’s definitely room for a turkey and a flamingo.

Nell: Feathers take up more room than you think and Malcolm has long legs.

Me: Long spindly legs which he can tuck away.

Nell: I suppose so.

Me: What are you going to discuss with Mrs King?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: I bet you want to know all about her romantic affair with Beauregard.

Nell: Mrs King’s personal life is none of my business.

Me: That’s not the impression I got when you were gossiping with your friend Dorothy just now on your iBone.

Nell: I was merely bringing Dorothy up to date. She’s most concerned about Roary. Eavesdropping is a most unattractive trait, by the way, and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: There’s a lioness in the kitchen eating smoked salmon and scrambled eggs.

Nell: Yes, I know. She’s sharing a luxury breakfast with The Cat.

Me: A luxury breakfast?

Nell: Yes. There’s caviar and Poppy has made blinis.

Me: Aren’t blinis Russian pancakes?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Poppy has never made blinis for us.

Nell: I know.

Me: Why not?

Nell: Probably because we didn’t win a luxury breakfast in the New Year’s raffle.

Me: But the lioness did?

Nell: No. The Cat did. The lioness just happened to come into the kitchen when The Cat was eating, so it asked her to stay.

Me: Do you think that really ‘just happened’?Don’t you think the lioness knew there might be a luxury breakfast going spare and just decided to join in?

Nell: It wasn’t going spare. Anyway, Mrs King has come to see Sally about Oliver. She had no idea about any luxury breakfasts.

Me: Mrs King? That’s rather formal.

Nell: We’ve only just met.

Me: I wonder if she’s called Elsa. If I had a lioness that would be my name for it.

Nell: Well, this lioness is a free spirit and her name is Carole.

Me: Carole? Do you think she can sing?

Nell: Why bring singing into it? She’s not a corgi.

Me: Never mind. What does she want to tell Sally about Oliver?

Nell: Isn’t it obvious?

Me: Oh my goodness. Mrs King is Roary’s mother. We’ve found Roary’s mother.

Nell: Yes, Sherlock Martin. Although, I think you will find Roary’s mother found us.

Me; Did she put him in our loft?

Nell: She did and since the kidnapping she has been hiding in the treehouse.

Me: With Oliver?

Nell: Yes, and much more to the point, with her companion and secret love, Beauregard.

Me: Gosh. Sorry.

Me: Is Harriet missing Roary?

Nell: Yes, she adored that little lion cub but there has been other rather troubling news this morning.

Me: What’s happened?

Nell: You’re not going to believe this.

Me: I just might.

Nell: Sally has identified the thief.

Me: I think thief is a little harsh. It was only half a tub of ice cream.

Nell: I’m not talking about you.

Me: Oh, I see. Who is it then?

Nell: Oliver.

Me: Oliver? I know opossums have a bad reputation but I didn’t expect Sally to jump to conclusions.

Nell: She didn’t. We have footage of Oliver taking stolen food up to the treehouse on a number of occasions.

Me: Footage? Do we have CCTV?

Nell: No, we have Henry and Horst.

Me: Well, I don’t think that was very nice of them. Filming a friend secretly. It’s not on.

Nell: Henry and Horst are spies. You know that. They are simply doing their job. Anyway, that’s not the point.

Me: Oliver wouldn’t just steal. He will have a very good reason.

Nell: Yes, and we will soon know what it is. Oliver is in the interrogation room with Sally right now.

Me: Interrogation room? That’s awful. She’s not going to hurt him, is she?

Nell: What are you talking about? Sally and Oliver are in the living room with Beauregard having a quiet chat.

Me: Beauregard? Why is he there?

Nell: He insisted. You know how protective he is of Oliver.

Me: There’s going to be a perfectly acceptable explanation for this. I’m sure of it.

Nell: Let’s wait and see, shall we?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Why don’t you go and enjoy Sunday Songs or the smell of our roast dinner cooking in the kitchen? That’s what I’m going to do.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: I love Sally’s scarf.

Nell: Sally is always elegantly turned out.

Me: Dave waited by the window all day. Darling Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: Yes. He didn’t even eat his elevenses.

Me: Gosh. He never misses a meal.

Nell: I know it’s only shortbread and a cup of tea but I do feel elevenses helps one embrace the day with a little more vigour.

Me: I’m sure Dave had plenty of vigour when he saw Sally.

Nell: He threw himself at her.

Me: Bless him. Sally doesn’t mind.

Nell: I know. It was ‘Davey’ this and ‘Davey’ that. Fortunately Sally is all business today. She and Roley Moley have set up an interview room downstairs and statements are being taken.

Me: What kind of statements?

Nell: Food related I expect.

Me: I thought we were looking for Roary’s mother.

Nell: We are. Sally believes the missing food is going to lead us to her.

Me: Is everyone being interviewed?

Nell: Yes.

Me: Even me?

Nell: Of course. Why?

Me: Only I might have had a secret bowl of ice cream last night.

Nell: A secret bowl of ice cream? In January?

Me: I can eat ice cream all year round.

Nell: Did you share it with anyone?

Me: No, I ate it all myself.

Nell: That’s fine.

Me: It is?

Nell: If you didn’t share it with a lioness then it is of no consequence.

Me: No need to mention it at all.

Nell: Yes, you must.

Me: But I didn’t share it with a lioness, Nell. I would have remembered.

Nell: The ice cream still needs to be accounted for though, doesn’t it?

Me: Oh, I see.

Nell: We can’t have an unexplained half empty tub of ice cream now can we?

Me: No. You’re right. Sorry.

Nell: What is going on here? You are supposed to be writing.

Me: I was just having some Snuggling Time with my Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: You have a deadline and David has a great deal to do before Sally arrives for the weekend.

Me: There’s always time for Snuggling, Nell, especially on a cold winter’s morning.

Nell: David does far too much of it already, if you ask me.

Me: Did you know the BBC is 100 years old today?

Nell: Stop changing the subject.

Me: When I used to work for them I would get a cheque and it was always exciting because it said BBC on it.

Nell: What else would it say? You are showing your age talking about cheques. One hardly ever sees one nowadays.

Me: I know. It’s all online. How times have changed.

Nell: Anyway, hurry up and finish your writing because I need you and David at Morning Thoughts today.

Me: Are we planning how to rescue Roary?

Nell: We will be discussing that subject and how to find his mother but top of the agenda is missing food.

Me: Oh dear. I’m sure it was by mistake.

Nell: I’m afraid this doesn’t appear to be one of those mistakes. This theft is regular and planned.

Me: Dave never plans it, Nell. It just comes upon him.

Nell: We don’t think David is the culprit. He always acknowledges his mistakes and leaves traces.

Me: Like cream?

Nell: Exactly. This thief has left no trace at all. The food just disappears.

Me: I see. Do we know it was ever there in the first place?

Nell: What are you talking about? Of course we do. Poppy keeps a close eye on all produce. She has lists. You know that.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: What are you two girls doing down here on the beach?

Nell: Never you mind.

Me: But I do mind, Nell. The wind is very cold and your ears are flapping. You’ll get earache.

Nell: Stop fussing about our ears. We’ll wear hats next time

Me: Why are you both sniffing around?

Nell: We’re gathering evidence for Sally.

Me: Sally?

Nell: Yes, when she heard how upset David was about Roary she agreed to help us find his mother.

Me: Do you think his mother is here in Devon?

Nell: Sally is sure she must be. No mother would let her cub out of her sight for long.

Me: I wish I could see my cubs.

Nell: I know you do and you will this year. One way or another. Trust me.

Me: What else did Sally say?

Nell: She’s going to come down here for the weekend and she’s bringing Roley Moley.

Me: I bet Dave is over the moon.

Nell: He’s not that bothered about Roley Moley.

Me: I meant about Sally.

Nell: I know. Gotcha!

Me: Very funny.

Nell: Sally thinks that Roary’s mother is the one who hid him in our loft.

Me: Why didn’t she stay?

Nell: Sally says she probably did until we found him.

Me: Do you know, I had a feeling someone else was up there.

Nell: Here we go.

Me: I heard heavy pacing even after Roary jumped down.

Nell: Why didn’t you say something?

Me: I thought it was just my imagination.

Nell: Fair enough. You do get carried away.

Me: I don’t think I’m imagining Beauregard’s behaviour though.

Nell: What do you mean?

Me: He seems dreadfully upset about all this.

Nell: Roary was staying in the tree house. He probably feels responsible.

Me: Yes. You’re right. Sorry.

Me: Why is Harriet gazing out to sea in a desperate way?

Nell: He’s taken little Roary.

Me: Who has?

Nell: Lionel King. We all tried to stop him. Rupert was particularly reasonable and David even offered him some of Poppy’s scones.

Me: Did he take one?

Nell: Nobody refuses Poppy’s scones but he ate it in a carelessly rushed manner with no jam or cream.

Me: How rude. Poppy’s scones are meant to be savoured.

Nell: Exactly.

Me: What about Beauregard?

Nell: Lionel refused to listen to him and he finally lost his temper and snarled.

Me: Gosh. He must have been cross.

Nell: Yes, Beauregard rarely shows his teeth.

Me: Was Lionel scared?

Nell: No. He just kept roaring ‘Bring me my boy!’

Me: Where was Roary?

Nell: Hiding with Oliver in the treehouse.

Me: So, how did Lionel find him?

Nell: The Beefies gave them away. The horrible hooligans started shouting ‘He’s up here! He’s up here!’

Me: The villains.

Nell: Yes. Lionel was up the tree before anyone could stop him and grabbed Roary in his mouth.

Me: How frightening. Oliver must have been startled.

Nell: He played dead which was the wisest move in this sort of situation.

Me: Yes. An opossum has no chance against a lion.

Nell: We chased Lionel down to the beach but he had a boat waiting and we could only watch them sailing away.

Me: Did you see where they went?

Nell: They were heading towards Burgh Island.

Me: So, they’re probably staying at the hotel.

Nell: Yes.

Me: Can’t we rescue Roary from there?

Nell: Lionel is Roary’s father. I’m not sure there’s anything we can do.

Me: What about Roary’s mother?

Nell: We don’t even know who she is, let alone where she is.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Dave’s in the living room looking sad.

Nell: They ate all the trifle.

Me: It was probably Roary’s idea.

Nell: He’s just a cub. David’s face has guilt written all over it.

Me: My poor Big Brave Beautiful Boy.

Nell: There was cream absolutely everywhere.

Me: I expect Dave cleaned it all up.

Nell: I’m not even sure lions are supposed to eat trifle.

Me: We could ask Lionel King.

Nell: Why would we do that?

Me: Because he’s outside the front door.

Nell: What?

Me: He’s looking a bit grumpy.

Nell: He would be. We’ve got his son.

Me: Do you think he knows?

Nell: The Beefies were bound to blab.

Me: Do they even know he’s here?

Nell: Didn’t David tell you about the game?

Me: What game?

Nell: The Catch the Mackerel game.

Me: That sounds slippery but fun.

Nell: Roary loves it. Unfortunately you need Beefies to play.

Me: What are the rules?

Nell: Apparently if you shout ‘Bad Beefy’ they will throw a mackerel at you. It turns out that lion cubs really like mackerel.

Me: I’m surprised Roary had room for trifle.

Nell: There’s always room for trifle.

Me: Should we let Lionel in? He’s getting a bit shouty.

Nell: Shouty?

Me: Yes. He’s shaking his mane and roaring ‘Give me my son!’

Nell: That lion is so theatrical.

Me: Yes. He’s a bit of a Drama King. See what I did there?

Nell: Just show him into the living room and tell him I will join him in a few minutes.

Me: Do you need to freshen up then? Only you look fine to me.

Nell: I need to get Knitwear Wolf and Beauregard. We can’t leave Lionel alone with David for long. Goodness only knows what will happen.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Nell: I’m not at all sure Gladys and Poppy should be doing that.

Me: Doing what?

Nell: Kite surfing. Can’t you see them out there?

Me: They’re not doing it alone, Nell. John the Doberman is steering Poppy’s kite and Alejandro is with Gladys.

Nell: It’s not something you expect to see on an English beach in January though, is it?

Me: You mean an alpaca and a Pomeranian holding onto a kite and surfing the waves?

Nell: Yes, next to a small but fierce terrier and a Doberman.

Me: Well, I think it’s spectacular. Lots of people are filming it.

Nell: Does Poppy have to spin around in the air like that?

Me: It’s all part of the fun. John is doing it too.

Nell: John has no choice. Thank goodness David decided to stay at home.

Me: Why did he?

Nell: David is helping Harriet care for Roary today. He is too young and too wild to be allowed on the beach.

Me: That’s a shame because he would love it.

Nell: I think we’re causing enough excitement without adding a lion cub into the mix.

Me: True. Gosh, that was a high twirl, wasn’t it?

Nell: Yes. I thought Gladys was never coming down.

Me: They’re awfully brave.

Nell: Poppy loves nothing more than an adrenaline rush.

Me: Well, it’s not for me.

Nell: No.

Me: I don’t mind a bit of bodyboarding but that’s as far as it goes.

Nell: Have you ever actually bodyboarded?

Me: No, but I quite like the idea of it. Lying on a surfboard and riding the waves.

Nell: Well, don’t. Leave the waves to the athletic and adventurous, please.

Me: I’ve never really been athletic, or adventurous.

Nell: Everyone has different strengths. Yours are the quiet kind.

Me: Yes. Sorry.

Me: Darling Harriet is exhausted.

Nell: She was playing with Roary until late yesterday. Lion cubs are rather demanding.

Me: I was only just saying to Robin that Roary is keeping us all busy.

Nell: I notice you included Robin in our conversation today.

Me: I thought people might enjoy a little birdsong on a Sunday morning. I know I do.

Nell: And what about the Welsh corgi choir?

Me: What do you mean?

Nell: Don’t you think they deserve a mention after all that rehearsing and standing in a wet field in nothing but Wellington boots and sou’westers?

Me: Of course they do.

Nell: And Gladys and the llamas tirelessly gliding away and Poppy slaving over our Sunday roast?

Me: I don’t know why you’re so jealous of my friendship with Rob. It doesn’t affect my feelings about you, or any of the others.

Nell: I don’t like the way you confide in him. Every day I hear you outside calling, ‘Rob, Rob’ and then squealing with joy when he arrives.

Me: I’m just pleased to see him. I think it’s his red breast. It’s so cheerful.

Nell: You never squeal when you see me. Maybe I should wear a red collar?

Me: Now that’s nonsense, Nell. This morning you barked urgently at 6am and I came down immediately to see if you needed me.

Nell: Yes, that was extremely gratifying.

Me: You didn’t actually need me for anything though, did you? Apart from some cuddles.

Nell: I like to keep you on your toes.

Me: You mean everything to me, Nell.

Nell: And you to me. Would you care to join me by the fire for a cup of Earl Grey?

Me: Very much.

Nell: Robin is welcome to sing.

Me: Good.

Nell: From outside.

Me: Yes. Sorry.