A Substantial Toy

Me: Look at my Big Brave Beautiful Boy with his favourite toy.

Nell: Don’t get me started on that dreadful toy. Do you know how heavy it is?

Me: He needs a Substantial Toy, Nell. He’s a growing lad.

Nell: Nobody needs a Substantial Toy. And when did you start saying ‘lad’?

Me: Those tiny little toys are no good for him. He hardly notices they are there.

Nell: You’ll notice it’s there when he drops it on your foot. Believe me.

Me: Yes. Kev complained about that a few days ago.

Nell: And it squeaks in a dreadfully needy way.

Me: But he loves carrying it around.

Nell: Alejandro loves carrying Gladys around but he doesn’t drop her on people.

Me: Alejandro is an alpaca from Ecuador and Gladys is a Pomeranian. They are different.

Nell: You’re telling me. At least all that performing with the llamas has paid off.

Me: Yes, I’m delighted Gladys is one of the professional dancers this year.

Nell: I’m talking about Alejandro. He has been invited to join Strictly.

Me: As a professional dancer?

Nell: No. Don’t be silly. As a celebrity contestant.

Me: Alejandro isn’t a celebrity.

Nell: Of course he is. People will travel miles to hear a singing alpaca you know.

Me: But it’s a dancing show.

Nell: Alejandro is more than willing to learn.

Me: Let’s hope he gets Gladys as a partner then.

Nell: I’m not sure that will be allowed.

Me: No. You’re right. Otherwise Dave would get Sally.

Nell: Sally?

Me: Yes.

Nell: Sally is the head of the Secret Service. She doesn’t have time for dancing competitions.

Me: Stephen Seagull is the head of the Beefies and he’s entering.

Nell: I beg your pardon?

Me: Look. It says it here in the Daily Growl. Sorry.

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