Me: Look at my Big Brave Beautiful Boy with his favourite toy.
Nell: Don’t get me started on that dreadful toy. Do you know how heavy it is?
Me: He needs a Substantial Toy, Nell. He’s a growing lad.
Nell: Nobody needs a Substantial Toy. And when did you start saying ‘lad’?
Me: Those tiny little toys are no good for him. He hardly notices they are there.
Nell: You’ll notice it’s there when he drops it on your foot. Believe me.
Me: Yes. Kev complained about that a few days ago.
Nell: And it squeaks in a dreadfully needy way.
Me: But he loves carrying it around.
Nell: Alejandro loves carrying Gladys around but he doesn’t drop her on people.
Me: Alejandro is an alpaca from Ecuador and Gladys is a Pomeranian. They are different.
Nell: You’re telling me. At least all that performing with the llamas has paid off.
Me: Yes, I’m delighted Gladys is one of the professional dancers this year.
Nell: I’m talking about Alejandro. He has been invited to join Strictly.
Me: As a professional dancer?
Nell: No. Don’t be silly. As a celebrity contestant.
Me: Alejandro isn’t a celebrity.
Nell: Of course he is. People will travel miles to hear a singing alpaca you know.
Me: But it’s a dancing show.
Nell: Alejandro is more than willing to learn.
Me: Let’s hope he gets Gladys as a partner then.
Nell: I’m not sure that will be allowed.
Me: No. You’re right. Otherwise Dave would get Sally.
Nell: Sally is the head of the Secret Service. She doesn’t have time for dancing competitions.
Me: Stephen Seagull is the head of the Beefies and he’s entering.
Nell: I beg your pardon?
Me: Look. It says it here in the Daily Growl. Sorry.